“Of course, her cheating on you was wrong. But we both know you contributed your own sins to the marriage as well.”
-Concerned Christian “friend”
This sort of response to adultery is wrong on multiple levels:
First, this sort of response indicates the speaker is equating sins via suggesting the faithful spouse’s sin(s) in the marriage offset–so to speak–the adultery committed against him.
It is stance akin to the “It takes Two To Tango” ungodly mindset. Our sins do not give another permission to sin against us. Ever. That goes for adultery as well.
Second, it is an extremely insensitive thing to say to an adultery victim!
An adultery victim is a victim of soul rape. It is an emotional and spiritual trauma of the highest degree to have experienced. Talking this way is like talking to a rape victim concerning her choice of wardrobe. This is not the time for such a discussion. It misses the point and demonstrates a callous disregard to the victim’s feelings. And it is a subtle blame-shift suggesting the victim somehow brought the soul rape upon himself/herself.
Third, the way it is phrases suggests a false sin equivalency.
Such a statement says the speaker does not grasp the gravity and severity of adultery’s destructive impact on its victims. Not all sin is equal in the devastation it creates. An unkind word here or there is not as devastating as months or years of lies plus sexual infidelity with all the STD risk that goes with that. To put these things in the same category as the speaker does illustrates a gross ignorance and insensitivity to the realities involved in situations involving infidelity. And that is the kindest interpretation one can give. A more cynical interpretation is that the speaker is attempting to justify the cheater’s infidelity and place blame on the faithful spouse. That’s plain wicked.
“Of course, her cheating on you was wrong. But we both know you contributed your own sins to the marriage as well.”
-Concerned Christian “friend”
My response:
“There is no ‘but’ in God’s condemnation of adultery. It saddens me that I even have to remind you of that.”
Great response!
“Not all sin is equal in the devastation it creates.”
This is such a powerful rebuttal to what I was told by my counselors directly after D-day. I wish I knew to say this 2 years ago. Because while all sins separate us from God and equal in that sense, it is not equal in the sense of the destruction it causes. To confuse the two is to commit a major categorical error. To paraphrase Billy Graham, a thief stealing a loaf of bread is vastly differently than a mass murderer. Also, in the Old Testament, God applied different consequences to different sins suggesting variations in seriousness.
The non-logic of “all sins are equal” was used on me to justify their (churches) stance that I had no right to judge my then openly unrepentant cheating wife. As you said DM, this is a game of false equivalency. It served to confuse me further and we know where confusion comes from.
Yes! And I still like the somewhat obscure passage from Numbers:
Numbers 5:29-35 (see 5:11-35 for full passage)
29 “This is the ritual law for dealing with suspicion. If a woman goes astray and defiles herself while under her husband’s authority, 30 or if a man becomes jealous and is suspicious that his wife has been unfaithful, the husband must present his wife before the Lord, and the priest will apply this entire ritual law to her. 31 The husband will be innocent of any guilt in this matter, but his wife will be held accountable for her sin.”
My ex-layperson husband of 11 years used this against me as well stating that his 5 yr affair wasn’t the only reason for our marriage ending. He married her last year and she became the step to my only child. God’s grace is sufficient for me.