“Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.”
-Matthew 7:1-2, KJV
A common annoyance I encounter–and suspect other faithful spouses encounter as well–are Christians giving their unsolicited assessment of my state of healing.
“You still sound hurt.”
“Obviously, you are not healed from your ex-wife’s betrayal.”
“You sound angry.”
“I’m concerned about you. I think you need more time to heal.”
These comments come to me from fellow pastors–usually–and are in response to my writing this blog. I take them as compliments. Clearly, I am making them uncomfortable as any good prophetic voice ought.
Good.
The boat needs to be rocked on these issues.
I am all for good therapists or excellent pastoral care. However, I have a problem when that care is forced upon someone without their consent. It is especially saddening to hear these things coming from pastors who lack the wisdom to keep their mouths shut on such matters unless invited.
They fail to see how cruel such unsolicited advice can be:
-How would they like me probing around “their” failure as a father or mother if their child abandoned the faith?
Obviously, I believe it is the adult child who bears complete responsibility for his or her choices in such matters but the analogy fits how faithful spouses are wrongly held responsible for their adulterous spouse’s sins.
-How would they like it if I told a widowed pastor he must step down from ministry because he shed a tear in the pulpit mentioning he misses his wife on their wedding anniversary?
That must mean the pastor isn’t healed. He is unfit. We must remove him because he clearly can’t pastor and have such feelings at the same time! It is absurd, but it happens all the time for faithful divorced spouses.
-How would a suffering pastor who has just lost a son by suicide like it if I reported him for removal to the denomination over this loss?
Do we immediately remove this pastor from the pulpit until he has demonstrated he has healed enough for our standards refusing to take his wishes into account on the matter (as would have happened to me in my old denomination had I been a local pastor)? Do we blame him for the death of his son? Heaven help us if we do either. That is not pastoral care.
As I wrote yesterday, these things are messy. A broken bone can still ache years after it has truly and soundly healed. Same thing goes for a broken heart.
The history does not change. No matter how healed I am. The facts of what happened will never change. My former spouse committed adultery and lied about it for months by her own admission.
I suspect that is part of the reason for all the judging. People do not like to look at evil. They rather pretend spouses never commit adultery or–at least–that such a betrayal just goes away.
I am sorry.
IT DOES NOT!
It looks ugly, because it is ugly.
Adultery reflects poorly on the cheating spouse because he or she acted poorly. Speaking of it does not make it so. The cheater acting treacherously made it so.
Time and healing will not alter that. Ever. You cannot undo what was done. History remains history whether or not we speak of it again.
I choose to speak of it, here because I know it is necessary for people to hear from a pastor who can relate. Evil needs to be exposed. The light needs to shine in this dark, dark world!
We, faithful spouses, need community–even if it is only online–to share our stories. God designed us with a need to be heard and embraced. Telling our stories is an important part of belonging in community and feeling accepted after such a horrific rejection.
DM,
A common annoyance I encounter–and suspect other faithful spouses encounter as well–are Christians giving their unsolicited assessment of my state of healing.
“You still sound hurt.”
“Obviously, you are not healed from your ex-wife’s betrayal.”
“You sound angry.”
“I’m concerned about you. I think you need more time to heal.”
I get this ALL THE TIME one way or another (especially from people who have not been betrayed) and lately have really worked diligently to come from…… some place of measured calm (sure V sure). And I honor my anger and outrage and stubborn courage to keep going into the discussion by talking openly about “Cheating,” and infidelity (and the REAL impact of secrets, lies and deceit upon partners and children). It appears fairly easy to step away from Infidelity and rationalize the behavior when it’s removed from what it’s really doing to others (the unaware spouse). No wonder they want to turn from witnessing or hearing us.
No one wants to hear our voice and narrative because cheaters want to be removed from actual experience and impact of their actions upon others.
like what do you mean? you started to have chronic nose bleeds when I was initiating an affair with (fill in the name). What do you mean? you felt mentally ill when I lied directly to your face and skillfully dodged you finding out the truth of my parallel secret life. What do you mean? when your heart would sink and you’d sense something was drastically wrong but I would deny that and lie and also add “Nothings, wrong and….” “No my love I’m not having an affair.” What do you mean? You can’t blame me that you felt suicidal but didn’t understand I was gaslighting you year after year after year with deceit, lies, and secrets. In order to have control over my little world in which you were a mere abstraction/ object and the children too……I was entitled to have a secret life it wouldn’t hurt you if you didn’t know…right? It’s not betrayal when your just an abstraction right?
You still sound hurt? (get over it already)
I’m concerned for you because you STILL sound so angry? (move on already you SHOULD be healed already)
Thank you again for your wonderful posts, they are a balm.