But the people replied, “Don’t waste your breath. We will continue to live as we want to, stubbornly following our own evil desires.”

-Jeremiah 18:12, NLT

Letting go of a spouse is hard.

This is true, in my experience, even if that spouse is a cheater. We married them, and it is a bitter pill to swallow that this person is not good for us.

Adding to this difficulty is the situation when the other spouse is determined to leave. They have not given you the choice. They are “done.”

My advice to the faithful spouse who is in this situation is:

Do not go down the rabbit hole of chasing after someone who lacks the integrity of keeping her solemn marriage vows–i.e. “’til death do us part.”

Whether you are a pastor in this situation or the faithful spouse, it is far from helpful to push “self-improvement” for the abandoned spouse when the problem is really the sinful actions of the abandoning spouse that needs addressing.

A Christian marriage is not  a contract where “goods” are exchanged. The spouse leaving because she (or he) thinks it is a bad “deal” is not treating her (or his) marriage as follower of Christ ought.

It makes no difference whether the “goods” is “beauty” or wealth so-called deficits. A marriage between Christians is not contingent on these things. A spouse leaving over deficiencies in these areas is behaving like a heathen without character.

Do NOT chase after them or feed into this sickness by “solving” the deficiency!

That is NOT the problem. The problem is a person–the abandoning partner–who is unwilling to keep vows made before God. I would have saved myself much pain and suffering if I had kept this basic understanding in mind.

It is painful to let someone go, but just as we see in Jeremiah, sometimes that is what is necessary. Some people will stubbornly double down on the evil in their hearts.

 

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*A version of this post ran previously.