Some Christians do not get “it.”
In fact, pastors and Christian counselors can be some of the worse offenders as it comes to spiritually abusing faithful spouses.
I cannot imagine most pastors or therapists dispensing the same sort of advice if faced with a different situation of abuse. Yet they think they are dispensing “wisdom,” which really just reveals to victim how tone deaf these blind counselors are.
What if the pastor was violently mugged and the money needed to support their family was stolen…
1) The police officer telling the upset pastor that he “needs to forgive” probably would not be welcome as dispensing “wisdom.”
Such would be to ignore important justice issues.
2) The peers telling the pastor he must be “bitter” for requesting the money back probably would not be welcome advisers by this pastor.
Such is to ignore the need to right a wrong and the real debt owed to the pastor’s starving family.
3) The minister telling this pastor that he “needs to own his part” in the mugging and theft probably would not be welcomed with open arms by the mugged pastor and his starving family.
This is victim-blaming pure and simple.
Pastors say these sort of things all the time to faithful spouses:
- They act puzzled by the intensity faithful spouses express in their desire to see justice served.
- They take a faithful spouse seeking restitution as a sign the faithful spouse is “bitter” or lacking in “true” forgiveness towards the cheater.
- They actually believe or teach as if the faithful spouse had control over whether or not they were cheated on and/or abandoned.
Responding to faithful spouses is just as unhelpful as responding to a mugging victim in these three ways.
Just don’t do it!!!
No matter the situation or how many years go by, everything is about what the adulterer wants. If the faithful spouse doesn’t agree, they are accused of being bitter, unforgiving, jealous, or alienating the children from him/her. My children are now on the receiving end of this. 🙁
The cheater in my case followed through with the sin of adultery & married the latest OW rather than repenting & working on restoring marriage & family. He was never an engaged father, but since DDay, he has chosen to be an absentee father except for weddings & graduations.
The kids & I have been through financial & emotional hell adjusting to our new normal. They know the truth & have accepted who he is and that he chose her life & money over them as well as God’s design for marriage & family.
The day that I have dreaded has now arrived. I’ve been expecting it because he needs the kids for impression management before his lies & true character are exposed to his new in-laws. I knew he was waiting for enough time to pass to play his hand as if there is a statutes of limitations for the crime of adultery, where repentance or restitution is no longer necessary on his part. He’s playing the victim card, and trying to guilt the kids into resuming the relationship he is “entitled” to as their biological father. He is treating them as if they are the ones who are in sin for not accepting his evil and honoring him & it as if it was something good! As always, it is all about him.
I’d appreciate prayers of protection for my kids (& grandchildren) and that they have discernment and wisdom from God. Thank-you all!