“Sure, he cheated. But what was your part in all of that?”
– Well-Meaning, Busybody Christian
If you are a faithful spouse having gone through or going through a divorce, you likely have encountered this person:
The Well-Meaning, Busybody Christian.
Oblivious to how hurtful their comments and questions are, these individuals actually believe they are doing faithful spouses a service by suggesting the faithful spouse takes partial blame for being cheated on and/or divorced from a cheating spouse.
They think they are the “enlightened ones” aiding the faithful spouses to self-discovery as if the faithful spouse hasn’t spent countless hours trying to figure out what they could have done or not done to avoid being soul raped and rejected by their cheating spouse. Such exhortations are generally not needed as faithful spouses–in my extensive experience–are introspectively inclined and usually take responsibility for stuff not theirs to own–e.g. like the adultery or divorce resulting from said adultery.
Trust me, the ones needing Christian exhortations to reflect on what they did wrong aren’t the adultery victims but rather the perpetrators!
As a faithful spouse, you will inevitably encounter these sort of people. If you cannot remove them from your life–as in leave the unsupportive church–and are committed to staying in community with such difficult individuals, I suggest preparing an answer to when they decide to engage in such busybody and insensitive behavior.
Like having someone stomp on your toes, I encourage you to give them an “ouch” statement of how their words are hurting you to help them register the consequences of said insensitive speech. They need to know that they are hurting you and thereby hurting their relationship with you in doing so.
Let me give you an example:
WMBB-Christian: “Well, have you considered what your contributions were to making him cheat on and leave you?”
Faithful Spouse: “Ouch! Adultery is soul rape. My husband invited a third party into the oneness of our marriage against my will repeatedly. What you are saying when asking me to explore my contributions is victim-blaming. It is extremely hurtful and destructive to our relationship. Please stop.”
You don’t have to use this specific response. But I encourage you to develop your own if you choose to remain in relationship with these “Well-Meaning Busybody Christians.”
A response like this allows the WMBB Christian to learn how their words are hurtful and provides them with an opportunity to repair the relationship their line of questioning just damaged if they so choose.
Someone who chooses not to apologize after hearing how their words/questions hurt you is not someone I would recommend keeping in your life. They are not your friend. So, treat them accordingly.
I think that most Christians think that this can Never happen in there own marriage. I shared with a friend what was happening to me and she does a podcast. I ended up as a discussion on her podcast although she said it was a man who had written and shared. She was talking about me and my exact comments to her. She’s in her late 30’s and married to a Pastor. Her husband was on the podcast with her and they went on to explain how this doesn’t have to happen in your marriage. Like you can honestly control another person even if it’s your spouse of 30 something years. Yes, Good husband, good father and strong in his faith until he went through something and decided he was going to mess around with another woman. Give me a frigging break!!…lol.
Fully supportive and caring wife who is busting her chops to do everything possible to make life easier for husband because she has absolutely no clue until it all blows up in her face!! Almost believes the man and discovers that he’s been slowly hiding forty-thousand dollars…(you read that right) because he was going to leave but just couldn’t do that to his kids, who are grown now because his father left. What about the wife? Not for another woman though…although all that circumstantial evidence was there. Just because he hated himself!! Right?? Have I lost my mind or would a man really do that just because he hates himself and wasn’t going to leave with another woman!!!
So, it’s all put on hold right now because of a death in the family. Can a man actually want to do that without a woman in his life? Thanks for the vent..
I think I’m feeling a little pissed!