At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”-Job 1:20-21, NIV
Shame is can be a powerful force for evil.
It can make us do things, which are extremely damaging to ourselves and others. To avoid the shame, we are willing to endure the insufferable. This is done all in an attempt to escape the label that we are loathed to wear.
What is that label for you?
Failure?
Rejected?
Divorced?
Single parent?
Bad wife?
Bad husband?
Bad pastor?
Bad Christian?
Like a lie, shame does not stand up to the light of exposure and truth. It scatters like cockroaches exposed to the blazing flame of a brilliant candle–i.e. the candle of God’s true and unrelenting love of us especially as experienced in caring community.
Plus, we get to choose whether or not to receive the shame or scorn it like Christ did the Cross (Hebrews 12:2).
As I have written elsewhere, a common trap following adultery discovery is to assume responsibility for reconciliation in the marriage. And I think this is to avoid the big, bad, shame-laden labels of…
….“FAILURE” and “DIVORCED.”
Let’s be clear:
You cannot make reconciliation happen as it takes two to choose this.
It is beyond your powers.
So, digging in your heals against divorce after an adulterous rupture of the marriage is an error. You can’t force the reconciliation to happen no matter how hard you try.
But this is an understandable error…
Who willingly wants to endure the subtle jabs one gets all too often in “Christian” communities that you are less than because you are divorced or a single parent? The cost is steep to divorce an adulterer/adulteress.
I believe faithful evangelical pastors ought to strive to change this.
We have many passages in Scripture teaching clearly on the matter of adultery. The Ten Commandments are a good place to start.
And I cannot think of even one verse that blames a faithful spouse or the marriage for the sin of the adulterous spouse. Not one.
Furthermore, we have Scripture where God identifies Himself metaphorically as a divorcee rejecting an adulteress nation, Israel (Jeremiah 3:8). If God can be a divorcee under such circumstances, where is the shame in being like God our Perfect Lover?
Speaking to those of you who have discovered the adulterous behavior of your spouse or are supporting someone who has made this gut-wrenching discovery, I encourage you not to allow shame to dictate your decisions.
Be willing to divorce an adulterous spouse. If you are not willing, then you are vulnerable to future abuse by this adulterous spouse and anyone else who thinks they know best how to run your life.
Look to God’s example (see Jeremiah 3:8):
If God Himself did not put up with repeated adultery, why should you? Certainly, you do not think God would hold you to a higher standard than Himself?
Hold your marriage with an open hand as Job did all his wealth and even His children. Only then are you truly free and able to walk with the Lord in the most honoring of ways. And that road is truly and eternally blessed.
* A version of this post ran previously.
It is amazing how much I wanted to stay married to someone who hurt me so consciously.
I just could not believe that when I acknowledged my own role in drifting apart and then offered and attempted to reconcile, that he continued with the affair and lied all through marriage counseling.
Indeed, the counseling was really about whether he wanted to commit to the marriage or stay in the affair. After 30 years with me, versus one year with someone who wasn’t even born when we were married, there was any question?
I don’t know why I couldn’t hear what he was saying, which was that he had left long ago and not told me.
I had to really dig deep to see why i would accept this and i was shocked to realize that it was shame and a feeling of failure and much religious/societal upbringing that divorce was WRONG.
A turning point for me came when I went to Catholic confession. When i realized it was the young priest behind the screen i thought “what can he tell me.” But he spoke for God and changed my life.
Essentially, he said: “You have no control over your husband. And it will be really hard – but all you can do is pray that God gives your husband what he needs. You must focus on yourself and your children. Seek discernment, but realize that God would only want love, respect and hope for you.”
Wow.
Verses that say the adulterer alone is responsible for his or her sin:
– 29 “‘This, then, is the law of jealousy when a woman goes astray and makes herself impure while married to her husband, 30 or when feelings of jealousy come over a man because he suspects his wife. The priest is to have her stand before the Lord and is to apply this entire law to her. 31 The husband will be INNOCENT of any wrongdoing, but the woman will BEAR THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER SIN.’” (Numbers 5:29-31)
– The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them. (Ezekiel 18:20)
-For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. (Matthew 15:19)
– “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” (John 8:11)
– “You shall not commit adultery.” (Exodus 20:14)
– “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Hebrews 13:4)
It appears that God did not include a disclaimer after “You shall not commit adultery” or “Go now and leave your life of sin.”