4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
-I Corinthians 13:4-5, NIV
“You would just hold this over my head for the rest of our marriage if I stayed,” says Cheater.
A cheater more interested in avoiding “blackmail” situations is an unrepentant cheater.
I put “blackmail” in scare quotes as the cheater misunderstands forgiveness when he or she makes this statement. They think forgiveness would mean completely erasing their past. This isn’t forgiveness.
The effects of their sins will remain. What is seen cannot be unseen.
Cheaters mistake a faithful spouse mentioning the past as an attack. Really, such mentions are not so much a matter of “holding this over their heads” as dealing with the ripple effects of the traumas!
A repentant cheater would be understanding about the faithful spouse’s healing process and needs.
Cheaters operate in the kingdom of this world–which is all about power over others.
They are about power to coerce or control (or deceive). Cheaters understand having the moral upper hand–which faithful spouses do have–puts them at a disadvantage in the relationship.
To them, it is always about winning and getting your way. Love is not a reality for them as that is the kingdom value of God’s kingdom. They do not live in that kingdom. It is foreign to them.
They would never surrender their blackmail material; so, they assume the same about you. Forgiveness is not something they can really believe is possible, because it is not in their world.
So, do not be surprised if your cheater rejects forgiveness and abandons you. They cannot abide by the potential of living in a place of a power disadvantage–as they see it.
