“Tell your family and friends to stop telling [Cheater] to not divorce you,” says Cheater Supporter. My divorce happened because my Cheater chose it.* At the time, I was trying to dissuade her from what I considered an sinful divorce on her part. While I was still wishing to avoid divorce, a supporter of my … Continue reading ““Tell your family and friends to stop…””
Category: Trauma of adultery
Good intentions not enough
“The road to Hell is paved… …with good intentions.” -A proverb This saying is a wise one to remember when dealing with the aftermath that comes following infidelity discovery. It applies both to the actual cheater and to those who profess they are only giving “care.” “I never intended to hurt you.” – Cheater … Continue reading “Good intentions not enough”
Pharisee or Enemy? Categories matter.
And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. -Matthew 5:41, NKJV In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. -Matthew 23:28, NIV When dealing with a “Christian” cheater, another level of complexity is placed on Christians … Continue reading “Pharisee or Enemy? Categories matter.”
Another Podcast Resource: “Therapy and Theology”
Recently, someone alerted me to an excellent podcast on infidelity discovery and betrayal trauma in general. It is Lysa TerKeurst’s podcast. Her podcast is “Therapy and Theology” and this particular season is Season 7 as they tackle to topic of betrayal. I listened to the first episode entitled “I’m Afraid I’m Being Betrayed” and found … Continue reading “Another Podcast Resource: “Therapy and Theology””
Temptation to write off all…
When the infidelity betrayal is fresh, a temptation exists to write off an entire gender. I think this is very common for faithful spouses. I think it is part of the grief process. We feel vulnerable and betrayed. The trauma of it all makes us want to avoid putting ourselves in a place where … Continue reading “Temptation to write off all…”
Pure Escapism!
Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? -Proverbs 6:27, NIV Pure Escapism I think it is important for faithful spouses to remember that their Cheater is indulging in fantasy. Their illicit relationship is not based in substance and therefore is doomed from the start. It is escapism. Instead of … Continue reading “Pure Escapism!”
Letting go of trying to limit their destructive path
One of my most important and hardest lessons that I teach is… You only control you. I think it is a common impulse to seek to warn others about your ex. This is especially true–I think–if they are in the helping professions where people are vulnerable to them. The impulse to do this–at least for … Continue reading “Letting go of trying to limit their destructive path”
Cheaters are NOT the victims.
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! -I Corinthians 6:15, NIV Cheater, you are the aggressor, not the victim, here! For whatever reasons, people are often taken in by the pity story a caught cheater spins … Continue reading “Cheaters are NOT the victims.”
Cheater-Speak: “What happened?”
“What happened to us?” asks Cheater. “You cheated, and so, we divorced. It’s pretty simple,” says Faithful Spouse. Cheaters asking this question are not asking for information. They are attempting to shift blame onto you, faithful spouse. Your current marriage ending narrative makes them look bad; so, they are attempting to manipulate you into accepting … Continue reading “Cheater-Speak: “What happened?””
The Problem is not a problem to them.
When Cheaters go to pastoral counseling with their victims, they may have no interest in actually dealing with The Problem. They have successfully convinced themselves that the cheating was caused by circumstances outside of themselves. Cheaters might even blame their spouse for the cheating (see “The Shared Responsibility Lie“). These sessions are doomed. The cheating … Continue reading “The Problem is not a problem to them.”