One of my most important and hardest lessons that I teach is… You only control you. I think it is a common impulse to seek to warn others about your ex. This is especially true–I think–if they are in the helping professions where people are vulnerable to them. The impulse to do this–at least for … Continue reading “Letting go of trying to limit their destructive path”
Category: Sin
Cheaters are NOT the victims.
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! -I Corinthians 6:15, NIV Cheater, you are the aggressor, not the victim, here! For whatever reasons, people are often taken in by the pity story a caught cheater spins … Continue reading “Cheaters are NOT the victims.”
Sinful Choices
“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!” -Deuteronomy 30:19, NLT Choices, choices, and cheater choices! The thing with cheaters is … Continue reading “Sinful Choices”
Cheater-Speak: “What happened?”
“What happened to us?” asks Cheater. “You cheated, and so, we divorced. It’s pretty simple,” says Faithful Spouse. Cheaters asking this question are not asking for information. They are attempting to shift blame onto you, faithful spouse. Your current marriage ending narrative makes them look bad; so, they are attempting to manipulate you into accepting … Continue reading “Cheater-Speak: “What happened?””
Yes, emotional affairs are FULLY the Cheater’s fault!
For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body. -2 Corinthians 5:10, NLT Yes, Cheaters are fully responsible for an emotional affair. It is not the result of a wily affair partner. It is not … Continue reading “Yes, emotional affairs are FULLY the Cheater’s fault!”
The Problem is not a problem to them.
When Cheaters go to pastoral counseling with their victims, they may have no interest in actually dealing with The Problem. They have successfully convinced themselves that the cheating was caused by circumstances outside of themselves. Cheaters might even blame their spouse for the cheating (see “The Shared Responsibility Lie“). These sessions are doomed. The cheating … Continue reading “The Problem is not a problem to them.”
Saying does not make it so.
“I’m being faithful to God,” says Cheater. “It sounds like you believe that [which is a complete lie],” replies Faithful Spouse. Saying does not make it so! Cheaters say all sorts of things. You could have them dead to rights, and they will bust out this gem (see above). To them, their lies need not … Continue reading “Saying does not make it so.”
NOT about the other–faithful–spouse!
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. -Hebrews 13:4, NIV The affair is never about the other–i.e. faithful–spouse. I know this is a controversial thing to write. But it is true from a pastor’s perspective. We know this truth from … Continue reading “NOT about the other–faithful–spouse!”
Give up trying to control
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: 24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. -Psalm 139:23-24, KJV A natural temptation is to focus on controlling or directing the cheater’s behavior. Please do your best to resist this temptation! … Continue reading “Give up trying to control”
Cheater-Speak: “How did you find out?”
“How did you find out?” says incredulous, busted Cheater (“Shoot! He DID find out. I gotta figure out how to shut down that channel of information!”) When a cheater gets busted and their first impulse is to learn how you discovered them, you know that cheater is the opposite of repentant. Such is pride speaking–namely, … Continue reading “Cheater-Speak: “How did you find out?””