“Telling him (about the affair) would be selfish. That would ruin our marriage.”

– Cheater

What a twisted lie people tell themselves and others!

Think if we applied this lie to a different situation:

Someone embezzles tens of thousands from your friend’s retirement account. They are a “good” criminal and know how to hide the theft.

Would you really tell the embezzler to keep the theft a secret from your victimized friend?

What if the embezzler complained revealing his crime might mean your friend would leave his bank? Telling would make him feel better but would ruin the relationship.

Would that persuade you that the embezzler must keep the secret?

Of course, not!

Keeping the cheating secret serves the cheater far more than telling the truth would.

The cheater is content to withhold critical information that might inform whether or not the faithful spouse continues to invest in the relationship’s “bank.”

And this “nice” lie the cheater tells herself makes it seem she is doing something noble when nothing is further from the truth!

The truly selfish thing is to withhold the truth about the infidelity from the faithful spouse. Telling them is not what destroyed the marriage anymore than telling the theft victim of the embezzlement is what destroyed the business relationship.

It was the theft of intimacy and the major betrayal of trust that damaged the relationship!

Not telling is all about avoiding the natural consequences for betraying trust. Refusing to tell is not some noble act.

Refusing to tell is an act of cowardice and responsibility avoidance.

Yes, knowing the truth will likely be devastating to the faithful spouse. However, that is something the cheater ought to have considered before cheating in the first place!

 

 

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*A version of this ran previously.