“Telling him would be selfish. That would ruin our marriage.”
– Cheater
What a twisted lie people tell themselves and others!
Think if we applied this lie to a different situation:
Someone embezzles tens of thousands from your friend’s retirement account. They are a “good” criminal and know how to hide the theft.
Would you really tell the embezzler to keep the theft a secret from your victimized friend?
What if the embezzler complained revealing his crime might mean your friend would leave his bank? Telling would make him feel better but would ruin the relationship.
Would that persuade you that the embezzler must keep the secret?
Of course, not!
Keeping the cheating secret serves the cheater far more than telling the truth would.
The cheater is content to withhold critical information that might inform whether or not the faithful spouse continues to invest in the relationship’s “bank.”
And this “nice” lie the cheater tells herself makes it seem she is doing something noble when nothing is further from the truth!
The truly selfish thing is to withhold the truth about the infidelity from the faithful spouse. Telling them is not what destroyed the marriage anymore than telling the theft victim of the embezzlement is what destroyed the business relationship.
It was the theft of intimacy and the major betrayal of trust that damaged the relationship.
Not telling is all about avoiding the natural consequences for betraying trust. Refusing to tell is not some noble act.
It is an act of cowardice and responsibility avoidance.
Yes, knowing the truth will likely be devastating to the faithful spouse. However, that is something the cheater ought to have considered before cheating in the first place!
I couldn’t agree more! My ex-husbands best man for our wedding — best man cheated on his girl friend in college (a one night stand). My ex-husband knew this information from the beginning. Best man married the girl friend. Best mans wife still doesn’t know the truth. I think it was wrong of my ex-husband to keep this secret for his friend. I think she had the right to know before they got married. She then could have decided for herself if she still wanted to stay with him. Also, what about her health?
I honestly believe that a lot of people along the way have known my ex-husband was a cheater. The only time I was “warned” about his behavior was at a company party and one of my exes male co-workers came up to us and “joked” that my ex “spent most of his day at work, walking around and talking with all the women.” When he said it, my ex just smirked. I was like “ha-ha and what??!!” I now realize he was telling me the truth and was also trying to tell me that my ex is a ladies man/predator.
My ex had some type of an affair (I’m almost 100% convinced it was physical) when I was pregnant with our second child. All the signs were there. He was mean and cold towards me for at least a year. I cried every single day during that pregnancy and even after she was born. He even went so far to say to me, “You and the kids will be fine financially without me.” So, pretty much right there he was thinking divorce which meant he had an affair partner that he was after. He got fired from this job one month after our daughter was born. At the time he said it was because they were “restructuring the office”, but he was the highest person in the financial department and now I’m convinced he got fired because of having an affair with someone at the company. He wouldn’t talk to me when he got fired, but the next day I caught him on the phone CRYING to a female co-worker! So there was at least one person at his job that could have told me the truth. Saved me from years and years of him lying and seeing women behind my back as just “friends.” If I ever knew of someone having an affair, I would tell. I’d even risk my friendship with someone in order for them to have the truth. I wish someone would have told me the truth even before we got married. I would do anything to turn back time and walk away from him and never have gotten married.