We never…
…talk about our finances.
Answer: “Then what was that three hour session we had planning how to sell our place, which was underwater?”
…have sex.
Answer: “Then what was that we were doing last Sunday afternoon together?”
…do anything fun.
Answer: “Then why were you smiling last Saturday clearly enjoying our trip together to the City?”
I could go on and perhaps you have your own example, but I think you get the picture. This demonic ploy is designed to curry pity for the “poor” adulterous spouse. They look SOO “reasonable” compared to the “stingy” faithful spouse.
Of course, they cheated!
Look what they had to deal with at home!
It is a subtle blame-shift.
And to be clear:
Absolutely nothing justifies committing adultery in God’s eyes!
Besides, I suspect many–if not all–of these “We never…” statements are not actually true.
Cheaters often exaggerate such matters. Cheaters need to exaggerate them in order to make themselves look like the victim, because it takes some strong stuff–sometimes–to distract people from the truth that they are the real, soul-raping victimizer.
They are playing the martyr.
In reality, the cheaters are the unreasonable ones. However, they attempt to project their unreasonableness onto the faithful spouse characterizing them as the uncompromising partner when that is far from the truth.
And another possibility may be at play with such “we never…” communications.
I am convinced that my ex said such things because she did not get her way. In other words–for example–cheaters say, “We never have sex” while really meaning that “We do not have sex as often as the cheater wants it.”
They are angry because they are unable to completely dominate and control the faithful spouse.
It is just a slightly more sophisticated terrible-two’s tantrum.
They are not in complete control.
And they hate that.
Finally, it may be a combination of both these motivations. They may both want to play the martyr and are throwing tantrum over not getting their way.
Regardless, a wise pastor (and faithful spouse) recognizes reality and is not taken in by this cheater-speak.
*A version of this post ran previously.
