“And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery–unless his wife has been unfaithful.”

-Matthew 19:9, NLT

What did YOU contribute to your marriage’s breakdown?!

Years ago, I used to believe this was a reasonable question to ask any divorced individual. After all, we are imperfect creatures. We are all sinners (see Romans 3:23).

So, it makes sense when a marriage ends to look at those “contributions” to its “breakdown.”

I don’t think that way anymore, though.

To me, this question betrays the ignorance–not wisdom–of the questioner:

They fail to understand God does not treat all sins in a marriage as marriage-ending sins.

Some secular schools of thought might treat all relationship errors or flaws as equal. But they are not.

Some sins have bigger consequences.

This is important to note, because that means not all sins or flaws caused the relationship to “breakdown.” The partner committing marriage-ending sins caused that.

The collapsing of this important distinction between typical marital sins and marriage-ending sins feeds into the self-righteousness of some married Christians. This includes–maybe especially–those asking the faithful spouse about their “contributions” to the marriage’s demise.

These married Christians falsely believe the faithful spouse could have avoided the divorce if they had dealt with their “contributions.” At least, I feel like that is what is implied in the questioning.

Behind the question is blame directed towards the faithful spouse, they did something wrong that they need to own. That is assumed.

What is denied by such questioning is the biblical idea that a Cheater can take down a marriage by their sin alone.

What about learning for the experience? I am all for learning. However, we need to be careful not to victim-blame by pushing this question.

We all can grow in our ability and capacity to love our “neighbor” better. That is true of both the married and the divorced. ALL are sinners. That includes married, never divorced Christians as well.

I just don’t see this question pressed on that group with such fervor as it is on the divorced, faithful spouses.

Ask yourself:

Do you see the same entitlement in Christian leaders to getting an answer to such questions about marital sins as evident when asked of faithful, divorced Christians?

In the end, I have decided to label this question as pseudo-Christian babble. It is worldly “wisdom.”

It looks wise but really is just “The Shared Responsibility Lie“–which falsely says we are partially responsible for someone else’s sins–dressed up in Christian-accepted, deceptive clothing.

 

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*A version of this post ran previously.