“I’ll tell you by what authority I do these things if you answer one question,” Jesus replied.
-Mark 11:29, NLT
“What did you learn about yourself from your divorce?” – Clueless Christian (asking Faithful Spouse)
Context matters.
I have no problem asking honest questions coming from a humble or genuine place of interest.
What I have problems with are subtle power-plays by married Christians who ask such questions as a covert way to blame a faithful spouse for the divorce. They have a general answer in mind with these questions–i.e. the sort of answer where the faithful spouse takes on (false) blame.
“What did you learn from your divorce?” is a very different question coming from another divorced faithful spouse who just got done sharing than from an always-married Christian essentially assessing and asking, “Did you learn your lesson?”
I think it is important to remember you do not owe anyone an answer to this question!
And in the event that you must answer the question for whatever reason, you can also name your discomfort while answering it:
“I’m uncomfortable answering this question NOT because I failed to learn things through my divorce experience, but rather because I sense this question is really about blaming me for being sinned against. That is a lie.
I am not responsible for being sinned against to any degree.
Also, it feels like you are asking this question as if you are superior to me for not experiencing divorce. You’re not.
It is outside of your control whether or not your spouse cheats on you and then divorces you. Just because you have not had this awful experience does not necessarily make you superior to me–better at doing this marriage thing–but rather more fortunate.”
I encourage developing personal insight. What I do NOT encourage is feeding into Christian arrogance and victim blaming.
That need to stop!
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*A version of this post ran previously.
