“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
-Matthew 19:9, NIV
In my trial to keep my minister’s license, I will never forget how the leading denominational official behaved.
I had submitted an email from my ex-wife where she confirmed a reference to a conversation I had with her while we were still married.
In that conversation, she confirmed that she had “crossed the line sexually” with a specific man and she had lied about the nature of that relationship for months.
The denominational official thought it was necessary to ask her whether or not “crossed the line sexually” meant adultery for their adjudication of my minister’s license situation.
This is a “good” example of what NOT to do as a pastor in these situations!
A pastor does not need to know the precise sexual act(s) the cheating spouse performed with the third party to know any such an act qualifies as sexual immorality.
The faithful spouse is particularly vulnerable upon the discovery and verbal confirmation of such sexual infidelity. Essentially, a pastor is casting doubt upon the clear evidence–a confession on top of whatever evidence preceded said confession.
Faithful spouses do not need pastors to add to their natural-grief defenses that are screaming at them to doubt or downright deny the awful, evil reality–namely, their spouse actually cheated on them.
The more helpful and healthier response to these situations is to confront the reality. An admission to sexual involvement with a third party constitutes a sexual violation of the marriage.
That obvious observation is actually helpful for faithful spouses to hear.
Looking back, I wished that denominational official had used commonsense as it came to my situation with my ex-wife. He did not need to keep probing around into the wound as if the sexual infidelity was unclear.
She stood condemned by her own admission. A truly compassionate and competent pastor would have recognized that and acknowledged that truth.
