“I hope you are finding healing…”
-Authority figure (responding to faithful spouse’s vulnerable sharing)
It happened again for me today.
However, I think I am getting better at spotting it faster:
THE HOOK–
For me, it is the unwanted identity of being “damaged goods” as particularly coming from an authority figure of some sort in my life. I have had the unfortunate repeated experience of such labeling from authorities in my life in the past–some (one in particular) even explicitly.
Not surprisingly, such messages–even subtle ones–send me down the shame hole quickly.
Like a reflex, I try to assure this figure that I am being responsible and am fine on the healing front. I usually say something to the effect that we are all on a healing journey.
I think that later part is to collapse the “us/them” dichotomy such comments present–especially when coming from an authority figure.
The unstated judgment is that the speaker is over here in the healed (and whole) camp assuming you are over there in the need-to-heal (damaged goods) camp.
This is what sympathy feels like, not empathy.
Do not buy the lies such responses communicate:
Just because someone cannot recognize and accept your gift of vulnerability does not make it less of a gift.
When you show up with your story, you are giving the other person a gift. They can either choose to judge you for it. Or they can receive it.
Receiving it looks like saying,
“Thank you! I appreciate how open you just were with me and don’t take that for granted. Thanks for sharing.”
Those who choose not to receive the gift are telling you something as well. Namely, they are signalling to you that they are unsafe.
Pay attention to that signal as well and learn from that information in deciding about future sharing.
