Excuses might be found for a thief
who steals because he is starving.
But if he is caught, he must pay back seven times what he stole,
even if he has to sell everything in his house.-Proverbs 6:30-31, NLT
Dating your spouse.
I know that I am about to sacrifice a holy cow of evangelical marriage advice here. However, I believe it is a cow needing sacrifice for the sake of protecting faithful spouses from some theologically awful advice.
It is not that I am against having one-on-one romantic evenings or vacations with one’s spouse. I think those are wonderful. They are lots of fun. They are good investments in the marriage.
But I am emphatically against dating one’s spouse as a primary strategy in repairing a marriage ravaged by emotional affairs or adultery.**
Pastorally speaking–as I am a pastor and not a marriage counselor–suggesting spouse-dating after infidelity sends the wrong messages about sin and its origin.
Some messages such strategy can send:
If only you had paid her more attention, your wife wouldn’t have cheated on you with that guy from the bar scene.
If only you had worn more sexy lingerie and been more sexually available, he wouldn’t have strayed with that other woman.
Notice: These suggestions–while possibly not spoken explicitly–are blameshifts.
The victim of the infidelity is blamed for being victimized. That is the number one reason I reject this sort of advice as a pastor.
It is unjust and cruel.
Second, I reject it as it is bad theology.
Sin does not come from outside of us. Our spouse does not make us sin. Conversely, we did not make our spouse sin against us.
James is very clear on this matter (see James 1:13-15). Jesus is clear as well (e.g. Mark 7:20-23).
The sin flows out of the heart of the sinner alone.
Returning to Proverbs passage quoted above, I want to point out how ridiculous this sort of advice is using the analogy there:
Taking the example of a theft, do we insist on the victim giving more to the thief afterwards? Of course, not! That would be awfully unjust. And it really does not address the wrong committed.
Why then would we insist on the faithful spouse–who has had intimacy stolen from them–give more to the thief? Do you not see how backwards such advice is? Can you see how it plays to a cheater’s entitlement mentality?
Infidelity is not a faithful spouse, romance deficit problem. It is a sin problem. Sin comes from the heart of the sinner alone–namely, the cheater’s. Only the sinner has the power to choose not to sin in the future and turn from his or her sin.
Suggesting dating your spouse as a marriage repairing solution gets the theology wrong. It misdiagnoses the issue as a romance problem. Plus, it blames someone–i.e. the faithful spouse–for the sin chosen by the cheating spouse.
So, if you are a pastor or Christian leader, please do not give this awful advice to a congregant/spouse whose marriage has just been ravaged by the sins of infidelity.
And if you are a faithful spouse, be aware that anyone giving such advice is truly clueless as to actual, Biblical dynamics of your situation. They are blind guides best avoided.
*A version of this post ran previously.
**A caveat I have here is that a season may exist for such dating in rebuilding romance after the cheater had demonstrated taking full responsibility for the affair, done their personal work, and has NEVER even hinted at blaming their spouse for the affair. Even so, it is still up to the faithful spouse whether they want to re-invest in such a relationship after such a marriage ending sin. God gives them permission to walk away without shame (see Mt 19:9).
