Hi there,

While I am nowhere near ready to begin dating again, I have been meeting new people and making new friends and I occasionally run into women who I find interesting or attractive in one way or another who I sorta mentally file away for later, when I feel ready.

Unfortunately, a lot of the toxic messages that my soon-to-be-ex and other people threw my way seem to have wormed their way deep into my psyche. I don’t believe any of these things, but when I do find myself attracted to someone, I inevitably hear the little voices in the back of my head tainting everything.

“You’re not good enough. You can’t show enough affection. You aren’t interesting or fun enough. You’re boring. She’ll get tired of you and leave if you aren’t exciting enough…” and many other horrible things.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can work those thoughts out and free myself from the toxicity? It’s especially frustrating given that I don’t believe those thoughts, they just sorta are there.

Thanks,

Head-Swimming

Dear Head-Swimming,

It is hard to start healing from those messages if the soon-to-be-ex is still sending them. My point is the healing is easier once the divorce (and break) is complete–or as complete as possible.

Once the divorce is final (and the contact is limited to childcare applications for pick up and drop off), then you can begin the work of healing from those condemning messages.

The antidote to a lie is truth.

A partial truth is still a lie. I say this because often the cheater will use a piece of the truth to stick the lie in our heads and hearts. Beware of that tactic. It is still a lie.

Let’s dig through the particular lies you cite:

“You’re not good enough.”

Good enough for what? The lie in this one is placing marriage as a merit-based matter. It isn’t. 

We do not get to stay married based on how good or bad we are at talking or in the sheets. Marriage is based upon the vows of devotion and fidelity apart from such performance ratings.

On the dating scene, I would beware of the person who suggests you have to be “good enough” to in a relationship with them. Such a mindset is suggestive of a person with ego or self-esteem issues, in my opinion.

Theologically speaking, none of us is “good enough” (Romans 3:23). However, God loves us and considers us worthy of such love.

A person rating you on “good enough” is a person who does not understand on a heart-level that they are in the same position as you (and not above you).

Next, you write:

“You can’t show enough affection.”

Once again, notice the word, “enough.” You know that you can show affection. Again, I would beware of the judgment the word “enough” implies.

Clearly, you showed “enough affection” to get married once. That is the truth. After that point, it isn’t a ratings scale as if your performance on this matter determines whether or not your spouse gets to ditch her vows to you and God.

You aren’t interesting or fun enough. You’re boring.

This one is like the one before where “enough” is raised as an implied judgment. Enough for what or whom?

In the dating world, you don’t have to stick around someone who suggests such things about you. In fact, I would encourage you to leave first.

Your heart and life are valuable. Having gone through a divorce after infidelity, you have a life experience proving your fidelity of character is fired tested. That is gold. Only foolish people are blind to the value of that.

Let’s tackle the last one:

She’ll get tired of you and leave if you aren’t exciting enough.

A Christian woman who makes such a decision is likely not a Christian. God does not allow us divorce our spouses or abandon them out of disinterest.

So, this is not a woman I would recommend dating in the first place. If she leaves, that reveals her values and god are not your values and God. Preferably, this shows up in dating before marriage, though, to save you the pain.

The most lasting damage of a divorce/cheating-discard are the lies the cheater seeded in our hearts. That has been my experience.

The healing begins as we expose them as lies. We speak truth to them. Even better, we address the lies with Bible verses as prayers!

Sometimes, we have to tell ourselves the truth more than once to work the truth from our heads to our hearts. So, do not feel bad about dealing with the lies on an ongoing basis.

Deep wounds take some considerable time to heal.

I hope some of those thoughts help! May God bless you with peace, wisdom, and love during this difficult season of change.

Blessings,

Pastor David (aka Divorce Minister)