Hi Divorce Minister,
I’ve been reading your site for a couple months now and it’s been a great help to me in navigating through the issues with my wife’s affair. In this time I’ve gotten into quite a few long debates with many other Christians (some pastors, some not) about the situation and the amount of wildly varied advice has been interesting to say the least.
The topic of forgiveness has always come up and inevitably they all disagree with Luke 17:3, without exception telling me that I need to forgive even without her repentance. I am not angry, bitter, or vengeful toward her (in fact I’m still helping her with chores around the house even though I don’t live there anymore, so I believe I’m even showing her love [note that I am only doing so while she’s out of the house, I refuse to be alone with her at any time]) so I believe that should count as forgiveness even though she’s unrepentant and it usually gets them to back down.
Yesterday, however, I had a pastor really work the forgiveness argument into the ground and he said a lot of stuff that has me really confused and doubting my convictions today. Some of the stuff he said seemed really off base to me but some of it made a lot of sense. I was hoping you could help me sort out some of this.
Most notably he seems to think that I am not free to divorce her unless her adultery is both unrepentant and repeated, that simply a single instance of adultery isn’t enough for me to have permission to divorce. In my case, she only committed adultery for one night and told me about it within an hour or two of it happening, but she slept with 3 different people that night. To the best of my knowledge she hasn’t had another affair so it is not ongoing, but she hasn’t been repentant at all.
As for repentance and forgiveness, he told me that failing to forgive her and be the first person to make a move toward reconciliation even though she is unrepentant is denying the gospel. He says that the husband/wife relationship is a model of God/church and that God is always the first person to make the move. We would be unable to repent if God hadn’t first come to us and shown us the gospel and if God just waited for us to repent first it never would have happened. She has been abusive, lying, manipulative, and controlling for our whole relationship and since she’s unrepentant and seems to think that God has forgiven her and she deserves me coming back I’m afraid that she’s going to just take advantage of me and feel vindicated and it’s just going to get worse in the long run. Pastor says that fear is wrong and I should trust God.
I did eventually get him to admit that I can forgive her without having to try to fix the relationship but he still holds that if I don’t try and just divorce that I won’t have God’s blessing for leaving or on my possible future marriage (were that to happen).
On the more positive side, he is the first person to give me a good, Biblical reason for forgiveness without repentance and I hoped I could get you to weigh in on it. When I brought Luke 17:3 up to him, he countered with the parable of the prodigal son. When the son came back to the father, not only had the father been actively looking for the son (his argument supporting me making the first move) but he actively ran out to he son and immediately forgave him everything. The son was not repentant, he wasn’t coming back to repair things with his father or admitting that he did anything wrong, he just wanted some food to eat. The whole thing has left me pretty confused and seems to conflict with Luke 17:3 and now I’m not sure where I stand on the whole thing anymore.
Hoping you can help,
Not Bitter
Dear Not Bitter (NB),
I am sorry to hear that these Christian “counselors” are working you in this way. Personally and professionally, I am horrified by how this pastor is approaching you and twisting the Christian faith in an attempt to manipulate you. That is not right!
Let’s begin in your letter before you conversation with the pastor. You write,
The topic of forgiveness has always come up and inevitably they all disagree with Luke 17:3, without exception telling me that I need to forgive even without her repentance.
They disagree with Jesus’ own words!
I want that to sink into your heart. They are saying that their understanding of forgiveness is more correct than Jesus’ teaching in the Gospel of Luke. Personally, I suggest going with Jesus on this one.
Enter the pastor:
…he seems to think that I am not free to divorce her unless her adultery is both unrepentant and repeated, that simply a single instance of adultery isn’t enough for me to have permission to divorce.
He thinks this. So what?!
What do you think? Is this how YOU read the Bible? Do YOU believe you are not free to divorce unless…?
This is not your pastor’s choice to make for you just as it is not mine. I can tell you why–in contrast with your pastor–I believe firmly and biblically you are free to divorce after even “just” once instance of adultery. However, YOU are the one who has to have peace on this number before God.
The exception to divorce is not qualified in the way the pastor is presenting to you. He is adding to Jesus words. Jesus simply states that sexual immorality–and adultery certainly qualifies–is grounds for divorce (see Matthew 19:9). Beware of people who add to Jesus’ words.
Besides, the Old Testament did not require repeat performances for the punishment to be levied against adulterous parties. One time was enough. Then the marriage was–obviously–over (see Leviticus 20:10 and Deuteronomy 22:22).
You continue:
In my case, she only committed adultery for one night and told me about it within an hour or two of it happening, but she slept with 3 different people that night. To the best of my knowledge she hasn’t had another affair so it is not ongoing, but she hasn’t been repentant at all.
She slept with THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE! I am not a math major but three is more than one. And that means she repeatedly committed adultery that evening. Anyone who is telling you this is “a single instance of adultery” is engaging in minimization.
Shame on the pastor for saying this was “a single instance.” The facts say otherwise.
Let’s frame this spiritually speaking:
She invited three different people in one night to rape your soul!
Those are the three people that you know of. I find trusting proven liars–like your wife is–a foolish proposition. Healthy and wise people take liars words with warranted skepticism.
Did she get tested for STDs after this confession and show you the results? (If not and you haven’t yet, I encourage you to do so). I would not want to risk my life on a liar’s word.
Back to your pastor:
As for repentance and forgiveness, he told me that failing to forgive her and be the first person to make a move toward reconciliation even though she is unrepentant is denying the gospel. He says that the husband/wife relationship is a model of God/church and that God is always the first person to make the move. We would be unable to repent if God hadn’t first come to us and shown us the gospel and if God just waited for us to repent first it never would have happened.
God also sees into our hearts. We cannot do that. God reaches into our hearts extending grace in order for us to have the ability to respond. Do you have that power? I don’t. I think this analogy is strained on your pastor’s part. (Mrs. DM agrees, too.)
Plus, even God’s relationship with the Church is not as clear as He is trying to tell you it is regarding forgiveness and reconciliation. I wonder what he does with Hebrews 10:26-27 (NIV)–
26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27 but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.
The pattern of unrepentant sin, once confronted, is not acceptable to God. Repentance must occur.
This is true for those who know the truth–i.e. a member of the Church–and others. God is clear a person unwilling to repent is NOT to expect His pursuit and forgiveness but rather judgment and hellfire.
She has been abusive, lying, manipulative, and controlling for our whole relationship and since she’s unrepentant and seems to think that God has forgiven her and she deserves me coming back I’m afraid that she’s going to just take advantage of me and feel vindicated and it’s just going to get worse in the long run.
Mrs DM: Yes. You can see through the fog and the curtain. You can see through the fog. Trust your eyes on this one.
Pastor says that fear is wrong and I should trust God.
Calling your fear “wrong” is called emotional invalidation as I understand it (NOT a therapist!). It is abusive. Plus, this pastor adds spiritual abuse to this equation by inserting a “should” with God’s name attached. Not cool!
God gave us fear to warn us about threats.
Fear is a gift in that sense. I say listen to your fear on this matter. It is well-founded. If she has not stopped lying, it would be foolish to trust her with your life and future, again.
I did eventually get him to admit that I can forgive her without having to try to fix the relationship but he still holds that if I don’t try and just divorce that I won’t have God’s blessing for leaving or on my possible future marriage (were that to happen).
No. Simply no.
This is not on you to fix!
You are free to divorce even after “just” three instances of soul rape–aka adultery (see earlier points).
God does not fault you if you end of your marriage now with a divorce. Jesus gave the exception for a reason (see Matthew 19:9). He did not add to it this legalistic interpretation of your pastor’s.
When I brought Luke 17:3 up to him, he countered with the parable of the prodigal son.
I have a very different take than your pastor on this parable and how it applies to cheating situations (link here and here).
You pastor argues:
When the son came back to the father, not only had the father been actively looking for the son (his argument supporting me making the first move) but he actively ran out to he son and immediately forgave him everything.
You are acting like the father already. The father was watching for his son to return home. He did not go searching for him in foreign lands.
NB, you are doing this by watching your wife for signs of returning–also known as repentance. Your wife is not returning. That is not on you.
Remember: The father did not go after his son in a foreign land!
That is more analogous to what the pastor is expecting you to do by “forgiving” and pursuing “reconciliation” with your unrepentant wife. His teaching is more akin to a story where the father leaves the home and pursues the lost son in the foreign land. The father did not do that.
The son was not repentant, he wasn’t coming back to repair things with his father or admitting that he did anything wrong, he just wanted some food to eat.
I do not agree with this interpretation. Minimally, the returning son was humble. He did not expect full restoration.
Your wife expects full restoration to the rights and privileges of marriage to you. She is the opposite of the prodigal son following the pigsty experience. That is not a position of humility but of pride and entitlement.
I would say the change in the younger son is about has repentant as it gets!
The younger son goes from a place of pride and entitlement to a place of humility being willing to beg for mercy (and food) from his father. The transformation is stark.
This parable is very much in alignment with Luke 17:3. We are told to forgive and keep forgiving if the sinning party repents.
There would have been no reception and banquet for the younger son if he had not turned from his pride and returned home in humility. Instead, an unrepentant younger brother would have died in a foreign land clinging to his pride all the way to the end.
That is what unrepentant cheaters are doing. They are refusing to return from the “foreign land” with humility. So, it should not surprise a good student of the Bible that they do not receive forgiveness and restoration. They have chosen their pride over those gifts.
From what you have shared, it sounds like your wife has chosen the “foreign land” over a humble return to you. She is not interested in humility but rather in prideful entitlement. You have nothing to work with in that sort of posture.
In my opinion, it is foolish to chase her in her own sinful “foreign land.”
One final thought is to run such words through the “rape victim” test:
Are these the sort of things we would expect a truly loving and kind person to say to a rape victim regarding their rapist?
Adultery is rape of the soul (see I Corinthians 6:15-17). Your wife forced, minimally, three third parties upon the oneness of your soul against your will.
It makes sense in light of this spiritual truth that trusting again with your soul’s vulnerability is difficult. In fact, I would call it unwise to do so without concrete evidence of repentance on her part.
Not Bitter, I hope some of these thoughts have helped you. The words of your pastor are very typical words from Christians on these matters, and I do not doubt his sincerity in trying to “help.” But that does not change how wrong and damaging their impact is.
In Christ,
Pastor David (and Mrs. DM)
Thank you. This helped me. After she said she wanted to reconcile I thought I should let her as that is what’s commanded. I kept waiting for a real.change in her behavior. I got I’m sorry quite a bit no real change in how she acted toward me. I kept waiting to see evidence that she had a change of heart and felt.remorse. if she had I would have joined her in trying to repair the marriage. It never happened. But your point of the father looking for the prodigal makes sense, he didn’t go and drag his son home, even though he could have done so.
That pastor may be interested in reading “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson and “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. Perhaps, God can use those books to help him reconsider his viewpoint. The point needs to be made that appeasement and being a doomat are more than just unbiblical. They’re also ineffective strategies for reconciling the relationship. Why would someone repent when you’re rewarding them for their bad behavior?
Also, many people in the Bible were afraid even if they did trust God. The apostle Paul was afraid. The Lord didn’t brush his fear aside. Instead, He came to Paul in a vision and gave him words of comfort and reasons why he didn’t need to fear, saying “Do not be afraid, but go on speaking and do not be silent, for I am with you, and no one will attack you to harm you, for I have many in this city who are my people.” Acts 18:9, 10 (ESV).