Dear DM,
I need your advice. My wife has committed adultery several times in our marriage and I reconciled over and over again. Two of my ex wife’s lovers were my sons friend fathers and two more were my sons wrestling coach’s. After he discovered his second wrestling coach, he cut off contact with his mother for the past year and a half (I have custody of both of my kids).
Their mother took off with a musician two months ago and is traveling around the country playing at coffee houses. Needless to say my kids feel abandoned.
Their mother has recently tried to text them and call them. I haven’t interfered. My kids do not respond to her attempts to reach out. This is the part I need your help on.
I know I need to forgive my ex wife, I also know the Ten Commandments says to honor the mother and father, and deep down I know the kids want their mom. I’m wondering if I should be encouraging them to talk to their mom when she reaches out, due to what I mentioned earlier. However, I also know boundaries are very important and we don’t have to tolerate bad behavior in our lives.
Any guidance you could provide would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advanced.
God Bless!
A Loving Father (ALF)
Dear ALF,
When we divorce our cheater, this action includes no longer serving as the image manager for them. It is not our job to fix what they broke. They need to figure out life in light of the fall out of their own actions.
That said, kids need to know that they will be loved and secure whatever they decide regarding the cheating spouse. It is important NOT to put them between you two.
You sound like you get this as you wrote,
I haven’t interfered.
Mrs. DM suggested reinforcing the messages about how you as their father will be there for them whatever they decide (as far as engaging or not with their mother.) Your kids need to know you will not abandon them, but rather they are forever secure in your love and care. They need to know that this isn’t a loyalty test. Let them know that.
Also, Mrs. DM suggested to respect their choices. They have to live with what they decide in this matter. It is important they know from you that you will respect their agency in this.
You wrote,
Two of my ex wife’s lovers were my sons friend fathers and two more were my sons wrestling coach’s. After he discovered his second wrestling coach, he cut off contact with his mother for the past year and a half (I have custody of both of my kids).
This is not only a betrayal of you as their father. Their mother essentially used them in these scenarios. It makes sense that your son cut off contact with his mother after being used (again?). That is not even including the abandonment part.
Do they have someone they can talk to about these hurtful experiences? A good counselor? A (non-judgemental) pastor?
It might help to have someone validate their experiences and help them through the trauma. Stuffing this stuff isn’t good.
Also, it is hard to heal a relationship when one party is actively causing damage to that relationship. This is what is happening–as I read it–with your ex-wife leaving your kids the way she has.
Yet I see hope even there: her abandonment wouldn’t hurt if they didn’t care about her. What this says to me is that they are grieving the relationship they wished they had with her.
One of life’s hardest lessons is acceptance of our powerlessness over others–including our loved ones, especially.
Their mother might never be able to give them the relationship they want (and deserve, in my opinion).
It might be good to acknowledge this. Name it.
Then also point out that they might still be able to have some sort of relationship with her–as indicated by her reaching out–if they want that. And it is okay if they need time and space.
Leave the choice up to them.
An important key is NOT to use Scripture to manipulate them into responding to her. If Holy Spirit leads them to answer their mother’s outreach, fine.
Just don’t try to usurp Holy Spirit’s role in that. Don’t weaponize the Bible. Allow your kids to negotiate that with their own relationship with God.
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right”
– Ephesians 6:1–3
…If a parent is not “in the Lord,” what is this verse telling children?
When a parent is not obeying and honoring God, it puts kids in a difficult position. If a parent is not “in the Lord,” I think that changes the focus of this verse.
Your kids seem to be wise and discerning to be cautious about honoring and obeying their parent who is not “in the Lord.” Doing so could cause them to stumble away themselves.
It’s tough. Thankfully, they have one parent focusing on them and seeking God and His righteousness above all else!
Thanks Nyra,
I appreciate your words of wisdom too.
Pastor David,
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I pray that my ex wife eventually becomes the mother we thought she was. In the meantime I will continue to focus on the two blessings God has put in my life.
As far as counselors or therapists for my kids. I have not found anyone who is very strong and intelligent to deal with this situation. My kids are extremely sharp and need someone they can respect. As you know, there are many bad marriage counselors and Pastors regarding Adultery. The same goes for counselors for my kids. But I have not stopped looking and I have complete faith God will guide us the rest of the way
God Bless and thank you again.
Precious Don aka ALF,
Please take a look at this system of healing, both for your children and for you: (I am not an affiliate of them, not in any way, shape or form. I am just a very happy & improved client!)
https://www.bodytalksystem.com/
Poke around on this site and learn how this therapy works, what it entails. It is also much more affordable than many ‘talk’ therapies, as just one session can bring enormous relief and insight.
I have had only one session (session also included QEST 4, which is a Bioenergetic therapy) and I got so much relief! I was blown away by the things my body & my sub-conscious ‘coughed up’. I even had some ‘delayed reactions’ over the next several hours and days, as things continued to surface.
Several over at ChumpLady mentioned they had also benefited greatly from this therapy.
And remember, caring for yourself and your children with healthy foods and lifestyle choices allows the body & mind to more effectively deal with the emotional traumas these cheaters cause. I know it has made a difference for me and others.
Much love and strength to you as you continue to ForgeOn!
PS: I sooooo agree with Nyra, her comments about the fact that the ex is no longer ‘in the Lord’. Therefore, your children are not obligated to ‘obey’ her the way they would if she were a proper mother and wife. Showing decency & respect to her (NOT respecting her / that is different) out of deference to our God and to the type of people your children are, however, is proper. That type of being a respectful person is honoring the type of person WE are / NOT what the other person may or may not be.