Dear DM,

Thank you for your ministry to survivors of infidelity abuse. My former wife of 25 years abandoned me and our minor son back in 2019. Although she denied having an extra-marital affair, I cannot seriously believe she would have left her son unless she had crossed a line of no return. That line of no return being infidelity. However, not knowing whether she had or had not cheated on me was a nightmare, leaving me to assume the worst. I literally had nightmares virtually every night for a year or more after she left. The nightmares consisted of me asking her if she had been sexually involved with someone else, and her answer was “yes”, at which point I would awaken dripped in sweat and with a shriek from the depths of my soul.

In my home state, there is a one-year requirement of separation before divorce can be filed. I wore my wedding ring and kept my vows for what became an entire 16-month period of abandonment yet still legally married. I practiced what is called S.M.A.R.T. contact in the hopes of winning her back but to no avail. On January 7th, 2020 a judge granted my former wife the divorce she requested. Although I’ve lived my life eschewing the title victim because the term in some circles is thrown around too lightly (some people really do enjoy wearing the title even though they are not victims), nevertheless, I felt victimized like never before in my life. PTSD (or some variation) is no exaggeration to describe my experience. To me the bond with my former wife was a powerful ontological reality created by God, which explains in my mind why the breaking of the bond was extremely painful at a deep soul-level.

For the record, our marriage had problems, but none of these problems were divorce worthy. Her claim was that she and I were simply incompatible (our marriage was like a square peg in a round hole, she said). So, my question to you is this: Let’s assume my former wife did not commit adultery, do you regard her abandonment (since she had no biblical grounds for leaving) of my son and me as unfaithfulness on her part? In other words, I have read your articles about the faithful spouse and unfaithful spouse in the context of infidelity with great profit to my heart. I view my former wife as an unfaithful spouse because she broke the vows by divorcing me without cause.

I’m curious if you see my story as overlapping with the focus of your blog. I agree with your position on divorce and the need for the evangelical world to treat adultery with the same gravity that God does. Your voice is greatly needed. What do you think of writing a blog post along the lines of no-fault divorce is equivalent to soul-rape against a faithful spouse, because believe me, my soul was cracked wide open by my former unfaithful wife.

Thanks again for your ministry. Please keep up the good work. Glad to hear you are following the Lord to be more visible in this work.

Blessings,
Fellow Pilgrim

P.S. I’m happily remarried (Sept. 16, 2022) to a godly woman who is my best friend and a faithful pilgrim on our way to the Celestial City.

Dear Fellow Pilgrim,

Thanks for sharing! Sorry that you, too, have joined the club that none of us wanted to join. Glad, though, that you have found healing and a future on the other side as well.

As to your question, I would apply different Scripture to the matter of abandonment. That does not mean it is less traumatic than known adultery. Both are very painful.

¹⁵ (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.)

-I Corinthians 7:15, NLT

Whether or not your spouse claims to be a Christian matters not, in my opinion. We look at their actions.

Are they in habitual, unrepentant sin (Hebrews 10:26-27)? If they are–which abandonment of a spouse is–then I would say that they are an unbeliever. You are not bound to them.

That said, the likelihood that she was “only” abandoning the marriage is extremely low! Adults who have had sexual lives do not stop cold turkey. Those drives continue.

Before I uncovered my (now) ex-wife’s physical affair, I was warned by a family friend who had been cheated on that my ex-wife was likely cheating. She was right.

One of the hardest parts of being cheated on or abandoned is the unknowing. We are left in the darkness about so much. That is why it can be relief to know the truth even if it is awful.

Hope that gives some clarity!

Pastor David (aka DM)