Dear Divorce Minister,

I am separated from my wife. She left me and our boys, age 12, on November 2nd 2018. She said she was stressed dealing with one of our sons who has ADHD and ODD.

At first, it was a 30 day separation and I was a good dad, husband, provider, etc. She also said she felt disconnected and like roommates because we both worked and in dealing with our children had less time for us.

After 30 days she asked for a divorce. Later discovered, from my mother in law and brother in law, that she was having an affair and lived with her affair partner 70 miles away.

She initially denied it. I tried to get her to attend marriage counseling through our church-she initially agreed then changed her mind, saying she deserved to be happy.

In February 2019, after I had been working with a therapist regularly ( whom she seen twice and refused to attend further counseling sessions), we wrote each other letters detailing what we wanted to see happen in our marriage and what we could do to make it happen.

I empathized with all of her grievances. She sent me a text saying she found the love of her life and wanted a divorce. When I questioned her, she admitted that she had “been friends “ with this guy for over a year but refused to say how they met.

I’ve been trying everything I could to reconcile our marriage, but she hasn’t participated and. When I tell her how she’s hurt me, her sons and family, she says that’s just how I feel and acts entitled to her happiness at any cost. She said she was “loyal “ until she decided she wanted to be happy. She shows little interest in her children and her and him regularly post pictures of themselves on their Facebook pages, proclaiming their love.

After talking to my mother and brother in law, my family and my pastor and church brothers, I will file for divorce this week, after nearly 8 months of mind numbing, heart breaking separation. We have been married more than 21 years.

-Robert

Dear Robert,

My heart goes out to you in this time of loss. Grief is never fun, but we all must make our way through those loses or remain sick.

I am glad you have people encouraging you to go ahead and file for divorce. You wrote,

After talking to my mother and brother in law, my family and my pastor and church brothers, I will file for divorce this week, after nearly 8 months of mind numbing, heart breaking separation. We have been married more than 21 years.

Honestly, you have nothing to work with regarding reconciliation and marriage restoration. She have given you nothing.

All that is left is the lesser of two bad choices (see Buffet of Bad Options). It stinks to have to go through a divorce; however, staying in that marriage is to allow continued abuse. That is not good. It models dysfunction for your children.

Your cheater is not unique in the parade of cheaters. They seem to forget the marriage vows were not written to give them an “out” to seek their own “happiness” at the cost of everyone else. That is not a godly marriage.

You wrote,

In February 2019, after I had been working with a therapist regularly ( whom she seen twice and refused to attend further counseling sessions), we wrote each other letters detailing what we wanted to see happen in our marriage and what we could do to make it happen.

I empathized with all of her grievances. She sent me a text saying she found the love of her life and wanted a divorce.

I do not agree with a therapist who encourage you to open yourself up to abuse from a known cheater. That is exactly what that is when it comes to this sort of exchange.

The end of the affair ought to have been a non-negotiable requirement before any work on marriage expectations. Without that, such exchanges just becomes a session where the cheater beats up on the faithful partner trying to shift the blame onto him or her. That is no good for anyone. 

It is not your job to keep your wife’s marriage vows.

That is her job. She will answer to God for breaking her marriage vows (see 2 Corinthians 5:10 and Hebrews 13:4).

Your behavior in the marriage and your children’s struggles are irrelevant to how she behaved. She is 100% responsible for cheating and breaking her marriage vows. God will not accept blame-shifting…nor the lame “I needed to be happy” excuse.

Last time I checked, the Ten Commandments does not read: “Thou shalt not commit adultery unless it is what makes you happy.” It simply and clearly says, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

You wrote,

I’ve been trying everything I could to reconcile our marriage, but she hasn’t participated…

First, you cannot reconcile a relationship with someone who is unwilling to reconcile. It takes two people. Please do not beat yourself up over failing at an impossible task!

You report,

When I tell her how she’s hurt me, her sons and family, she says that’s just how I feel and acts entitled to her happiness at any cost. 

Yes, that IS how you feel (NOT “just”). You are telling her how her behavior is impacting your feels. How you feel ought to matter to her as she is your wife. A spouse who is not spiritually sick will respond to such information with compassion as opposed to how she did. 

Notice how she is willing to make you and your children pay any cost for her own “happiness.” This is not a good person to remain in relationship with, brother. She is demonstrating by this response a seriously hard-heart.

You write,

She said she was “loyal “ until she decided she wanted to be happy.

She is admitting infidelity by that statement. The lie that happiness is a justification for marital infidelity has apparently lodged deeply into her psyche. It owns her.

My encouragement to you is to follow through with the divorce even though it sucks. Grieve the loses. It is okay to feel sadness over what was lost–e.g. dreams, shared-history, partner, mother to your kids, etc.

Be careful not to blame yourself for your wife’s choice. Do NOT surround yourself with people who try to pin her sin on you in any way. That is the last thing you need for healing from this.

She clearly made up her mind to go down the wide path to destruction. God gives us the mercy of divorce for situations precisely like yours. He allows us to cut cheaters free so that we are not dragged down to spiritual death along with them (see Matthew 19:9, Hebrews 10:26-27, etc).

There is life after divorce. It might not feel like it right now; but I promise you that God does not allow us to divorce unless He would also bless us afterwards (see Isaiah 61).

Hope for a fulfilling life apart from a cheater is possible…my life and the lives of many who come here are living proof! 

 

Blessings and hugs,

-Pastor David (aka Divorce Minister)