Dear DM,
I appreciate the biblical explanations on your site. I have been married 24 years. I dealt with infidelity/adultery in the first 3 years of marriage and because we were Christians, and I loved my husband we reconciled.
I thought we were worked through that many years ago and that was over. Fast foreword to 2015 as a married couple we faced a lot of life challenges (illness and death of parents, financial loss, children issues etc..,) but I thought we were a team. So, I was devastated when I found out he was involved in an adulterous relationship.
When he blamed everything on me and proceeded to tell me about her, there was nothing said about ending the relationship. Two weeks later, my spouse was diagnosed with a chronic/terminal disease. I took him back, and last year we having been doing all of these things to reconcile.
This year in February I found out he was still seeing the lady so I have washed my hands. I am within 2 weeks of my divorce being final.
What I don’t understand is the comments that he makes to me:
“Well, the ball is in your court.”
“You’re ending our marriage after all this time.”
He is finding himself in a very bad place. Financially, health etc. I care about his well being but not enough to stay married. I don’t want God mad at me, but I just can’t see that we can be reconciled. He may be sorry, but I think it is because he got caught and the outcome is not the way he planned it.
24 and counting…
Sincerely,
JB
Dear JB,
I am so glad that you found your way to my website! This place was designed to support people like yourself, faithful spouses. And I am glad God is using it to help you.
From the beginning of your note, I see your husband has a demonstrated history of serial infidelity if not serial adultery. You have attempted upon multiple times to reconcile, and he has chosen to continue his lifestyle of unrepentant sin.
I think filing for divorce at this point is well overdue considering the chronic nature of his adulterous sin!
God does not shame faithful spouses who choose divorce in such situations as even God divorced a remorseless adulterous spouse (see Jeremiah 3:8, Matthew 19:9). Do not worry about God being angry with you about divorcing an adulterer!
As to his responses:
“Well, the ball is in your court.”
“You’re ending our marriage after all this time.”
He is playing on your sense of divorce shame–namely, that it is wrong to divorce him. Once again, IT IS NOT!!!
Yes, the ball IS in your court. You get to decide whether or not to tolerate this behavior or enforce real consequences for his adulterous treachery.
There is no shame in saying you will no longer tolerate his lies and adulterous abuse as that is what such cheating is:
ABUSE!
You are making a righteous choice by deciding to divorce this man who has demonstrated over decades a willingness to rape his wife’s soul over and over again!
As to his appeal regarding the delay in taking this action, I suspect that he is playing into “sunk costs” thinking. Perhaps, he is hoping you stick around because you have invested so much into this marriage.
He is a BAD investment!
Staying married to him puts your well-being at risk (I hope you’ve gotten tested for STDs, btw). It is UNWISE to keep investing in this relationship when you already know he is willing to put your very existence at risk.
Leaving now is better than never leaving such an abusive situation!
You are free to still care about him. But for your safety and own well-being, I hope you hold the coarse and obtain your divorce.
One of the consequences of betraying a spouse is that spouse may not be around when you need their support.
In other words, he should have thought about that BEFORE he started cheating again for the third, fourth, or who-knows-how-many times?!
God loves you so very much, JB! I am convinced He sent you here to find a community that can support you through this rough time.
With brotherly love,
Pastor David (DM)
Thank you DM,
This is a very trying time our next anniversary is also next week. Yes, I did go to my doctor and have a full and complete check up including STD Panel. Thank you for the word of God and your encouragement.
Blessings,
JB