“Did you ever love her?”
OR
“Did you ever love him?”
This is such a simply stated question. However, it is far from simple when applied to a cheater. Looking back on the marriage and how it ended, it is complicated.
How can you say you ever loved someone who revealed they were utterly different than the person you thought they were in the end?
In one sense, the answer is a simple, “Yes, I loved her.” That is why I chose to marry her and stayed married for years. The fundamental character trait of the woman I fell in love with was kindness.
However, cheating on your spouse is the opposite of kind.
Lying for months about the affair and gas-lighting one’s spouse during this time are behaviors of a malicious, cruel person. So, I was clearly in love with someone who did not exist. I had misjudged her character profoundly.
My cheater was not fundamentally kind but rather incredibly cruel.
Maybe I loved the person who I thought was kind, but I certainly did not love the person who turned out to be cruel. So, the answer to the first question is a complicated one.
“Did you ever love her?”
