Hi,
I need help addressing my elders in my church regarding adultery. My husband had an affair with another member. I caught him, he was sorry. The pastor had the girl apologize and say she wouldn’t contact my husband again. It was very hard, but I forgave my husband, and we tried to work on our marriage.
But we still attended the same church as the girl! (I was going through chemo at the time and needed my church family for practical help and support, and the girl was never asked to leave). It was very hard.
18 months later, I caught my husband cheating again with the same girl. This time he did not act sorry, and the girl was never made to apologize or leave. My husband was asked to leave for one year.
The elders got very upset at me for telling some people. I got very upset at them for not asking the girl to leave and not supporting or protecting me. They said if I couldn’t handle seeing her every week then I could remove myself, but they were handling her and it was none of my business how they disciplined her.
My husband and I are now separated, I strongly believe they are still in a relationship, but the church seems to be doing nothing!
They finally told me I should find a new church because I wouldn’t unconditionally obey them and submit without questioning them. It doesn’t seem biblical at all!
How do I respond to them on this?!
Thank you for any and all help,
NotSubmissive2Abuse
Dear NotSubmissive2Abuse (NS2A),
I cannot fathom the pain you are feeling in this awful, awful situation. It saddens me that your church leaders have responded so poorly to your pain in this.
The Bible is very clear about adultery that both parties involved in the immoral sexual act bear responsibility for the sin (e.g. Deuteronomy 22:22).
If the elders believe–as they should–that your husband wronged you by cheating, then they must–to be biblical–agree she wronged you as well (twice minimally).
It is natural as a victim of such a serious sin to wonder what corrective action is being taken to deal justly with the situation as well as to stop the perpetrators from harming you again. Sadly, they think–wrongly–that you ought not to know.
Your situation with these elders is like a judge and jury telling victims of extortioners that they do not need to know what judgment is being laid down against those who stole from them. That is wrong, in my opinion. It is unjust and cruel.
So, I guess my point is that I disagree with how they handled the situation as you outlined:
The elders got very upset at me for telling some people. I got very upset at them for not asking the girl to leave and not supporting or protecting me. They said if I couldn’t handle seeing her every week then I could remove myself, but they were handling her and it was none of my business how they disciplined her.
Also, it is important that you have people you can talk with about this. I think sharing our stories is the only way that we can heal. It is part of the grieving process.
That said, your options are limited here.
Unfortunately, you do not control what other people do. That includes the elders in your church. They seem unwilling to do right by you and give you what you need to heal from the repeated rape of your soul.
So, I agree with them that it might be best to leave their church. They are not providing a healing environment for you. In fact, it seems the opposite…more on that later.
The leadership has prioritized keeping this young woman at their church over your need to heal from her sins against you and your marriage. That is neither godly nor biblical, in my opinion.
However, it IS the state of affairs, sadly.
Plus, I am concerned about how they responded to you voicing your needs to them or questioning their lack of action. You wrote,
They finally told me I should find a new church because I wouldn’t unconditionally obey them and submit without questioning them.
This is control and not care. I consider it spiritually abusive of them to respond to you in this way.
I cannot recommend staying at any church where leadership responds to your pain in this way. If a husband responded this way to his wife, we would consider that manipulative if not downright abusive.
It is time to leave.
The only response needed is to let them know you are withdrawing your membership at their church formally. They clearly are not in a place where they are willing to listen; so, I recommend saving your breath over telling them off.
Save that for your own healing process with a good pastor or therapist who will give you the emotional and spiritual support you need to heal. It might be good to journal it out for a later letter burning/deleting day.
Now, I understand leaving a church body is hard. It wasn’t easy for me to leave my first denomination even though some in leadership made it clear they would continue to judge me unbiblically.
The sunk costs are real.
That said, true friends at the church will understand if you leave. A true friend will understand why you cannot heal while being reminded every Sunday of the spiritual wounds by the affair partner’s presence. Those are the best friends to have, anyways.
Is someone who does not care about your pain in this really a good friend?! Loosing those sort of people is “addition by subtraction” as the saying goes.
Also, I hope you find yourself free via divorce from your unrepentant husband. You gave him a second chance that he didn’t deserve, and he blew it. Biblically, you are free to divorce (see Jeremiah 3:8 and Matthew 19:9).
Staying under the circumstances you describe is signalling to him that you will tolerate his abuse as adultery is always abusive. Loving him (and loving yourself–even more importantly here) means making a tough choice.
Ultimately, these choices are yours to make. They are not mine. They are not your elders’ to make either. You need to have peace in your heart before God about them.
That said, I hope you choose to leave these abusive relationships behind.
God loves you and has so much better for you than how these people–husband included–have treated you!
With much brotherly love!
Pastor David (aka Divorce Minister)
“The elders got very upset at me for telling some people. ”
This is disturbing.
•It’s not the faithful spouses fault that speaking truth is ugly.
•Not allowing someone to tell the truth is like telling them to lie.
•By not letting truth be told it is allowing the guilty to weave their thread of lies.
I am so sorry NS2A!
The situation is so very wrong & ought not to be the case. Unfortunately it is way too common. The church should be disciplining the wrong doers not punishing the victim. “Spare the rod-spoil the child” applies here to the selfish adulterers!
Why is the church allowing the adulterous to hang around NS2A’s safe place and antagonize her? They cannot be that stupid!
Why are churches so determined to “save” the sinner at the expense of losing the victim? I cannot understand it!
DM: This is why your ministry is so important! There are very few safe places that victims of adultery have to turn to for godly counsel, support & understanding.
NS2A, your husband and your church are unredeemable. You need to flee! Now!!
The Wartburg Watch blog has done a lot of research on churches like this. They are part of a nefarious movement in the church to equate submission to holiness, while nothing could be further from the truth. Jesus sought to set you free, not burden you with the pronouncements of Pharisees. They will continue to harass you and disparage you. Expect any you revealed in counseling to be shared to the congregation. This is how they roll. It is part of their plan. But you do not have to continue to be the chump!
The Wartburg Watch website has an area that explains how to resign from this kind of abusive church and put them on notice of legal liability. A women who joined my church used this successfully with the abusive church she left.
http://thewartburgwatch.com/permpage-how-to-resign-from-a-church-whether-or-not-you-are-under-church-discipline/
You need another church body to support you through this mess. You may need to change denominations to one that is more inclusive toward women. Talk to the pastor. If they are not angered by your story you should look for another. You are not the problem!
This happens all too often… Not everyone understands your pain… not everyone even wishes to come close to understanding… your pain bothers those folks and they would rather have you leave them… depart from them.