Hi DM,
Question for you. How were you able to move forward with Mrs. DM with regards to trust?
I am most likely getting divorced and am afraid that I would carry the scars of my WH’s serial infidelity/dishonesty into the next relationship (if I were to be brave enough to try to love again). Because of these repeated infidelities, I essentially struggle to believe that others can be true and honest and not cheat. I worry that I would have trouble trusting someone else and worry that I might essentially punish an undeserving future spouse by being paranoid etc. Part of this comes from a lack of belief on my part that anything in my life could ever be truly just good or that I could ever experience happiness again.
If you (and Mrs. DM) feel comfortable sharing – I find your marriage truly inspiring and I am wondering how you kept your ex-wife’s betrayal from souring what you have found with Mrs. DM.
-nutella_4ever
Dear nutella_4ever,
I am a firm believer that we–faithful spouses–ought never to lower our standards to that of our cheaters. This means what I say on the matter of dating only applies to when a divorce is final. Until that point, one is still married.
You wrote,
How were you able to move forward with Mrs. DM with regards to trust?
Before I can answer this question, I need to start with the work I had to do on myself before dating. You see, I believe we must first learn to like ourselves before we are ready to date, again. This is an important part of healing from the adulterous discard from a cheater.
Without liking ourselves, we run the danger of entering into relationships seeking validation. This can create really bad relationship dynamics. It is hard to walk away from someone if our identity and value is (wrongfully) tied up in him or her.
Back to your question.
I did this work. In fact, I broke up with Mrs. DM once when we were dating as she had a dream that freaked her out about our relationship. I was secure enough to let go of the relationship. Then I lined up another date with someone else that coming weekend.
We, obviously, got back together. I did go on that date as it was penance for her breaking up with me (Mrs. DM has a different take on this episode of our story.) Honestly, it just confirmed in my heart that Mrs. DM was the right woman for me.
Some things that helped me trust Mrs. DM:
1. She had been cheated on in high school; so, she had some idea of what I had experienced.
2. When she had done things in her relationships that were not good. She did not blame her partner for her behavior but owned it.
3. She showed me that she would go to bat for me (us) in a conflict. This sort of loyalty mattered a great deal to me.
4. When she said she did (or did not) want something, she meant what she said. She did not play games with me in that way.
5. I chose someone whose friends were real and not overly religious in their presentation. This was important for me after all the spiritual trauma I had experienced.
All said, I still had moments when I was triggered early in our relationship. This continued for the first year or two of our marriage. Today, it rarely shows up.
Next March 27th, I will have been married longer to Mrs. DM than I ever was to my cheater!
When someone enters into a relationship with you, the good one understands they are getting you. You includes your past and its hurts.
Part of this deal of getting you is having to work through the hurts of the past with you. You do NOT want to date someone who has no empathy for your trust issues. That person is not an individual who loves you like God loves you.
Mrs. DM understood this. She worked with me as I had my moments. Sometimes that meant naming it as it was–I was projecting my cheater onto her unfairly. We need to be willing to see that as well.
Yet the work is and was well worth it.
I am so grateful for Mrs. DM (and Munchkin). They have made my first marriage a mere minor footnote to my amazing life today!
-DM
