There is more hope for fools
than for people who think they are wise.–Proverbs 26:12, NLT
They traded the truth about God for a lie….
–Romans 1:25a, NLT
Cheaters can come across as so confident in their lies. This confidence has the power to make even the most stalwart faithful spouse second-guess their instincts, hard evidence, and reasonableness.
It’s a vortex created by the cheater’s shameless confidence in lying…
…a vortex designed to suck you into their warped sense of reality.
Many cheaters are able to lie so confidently, in part, because they actually believe their own lies. They have exchanged the truth for lies. It is a poor exchange, though.
So, the battle becomes standing firm in the truth when confronting a cheater who is given over to lies.
Lie: You’re controlling.
Truth: It is not controlling to demand the end of a relationship with the Other Man/Other Woman as a precondition for marriage restoration. That is called setting a healthy marital boundary.
Lie: You’re being unreasonable asking for such access. I need my privacy.
It is not unreasonable to require full, unfettered access to all accounts–Facebook, financial, and otherwise–following infidelity discovery. That is called transparency and is a baby-step towards rebuilding the trust the adulterous spouse utterly decimated by cheating.
Lie: See?! You never forgave me for cheating, or you wouldn’t accuse of it now.
It is not “unforgiving” to question suspicious behavior of the other spouse after infidelity discovery. That is called a natural consequence of having one’s trust so viciously broken, and a repentant cheater would offer compassion as opposed to the ‘See, you’ll always hold this over my head!’ line.
Lie: You are being “unchristian” by making the affair the focus of all our couple sessions with the pastor!
It is not “unchristian” to refuse to take the focus off the adultery until the cheater repents. In fact, that is precisely what a godly Christian would do–i.e. rebuke a sinner (see Luke 17:3) and refuse to settle for anything less than godliness.
Lie: You are being “uncharitable” by saying my cheating destroyed our marriage as you know there were other “issues.”
It is not “uncharitable” to say the marriage was destroyed by one spouse’s adulterous sin. God viewed this sin on its own as full grounds for ending marriages, and He did not seem to care about any investigating other “sins” when instructing His people to end such marriages ravaged by adultery (e.g. Deut. 22:22, Lev. 20:10, Jer. 3:8, Mt. 19:9).
I get that keeping these truths in focus is hard.
The vortex is strong. Hence, I encourage faithful spouses to surround themselves with friends, pastors, books, blogs, and therapists who see or present such things clearly. It helps having such no-nonsense people in one’s life.
Just because the cheater has given themselves over to lies does not mean you have to follow them into their warped reality! DO NOT ENTER!!!
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*A version of this post ran previously.
