21 Under three things the earth quakes,
And under four, it cannot bear up:
…
23 Under an unloved woman when she gets a husband,
And a maidservant when she supplants her mistress.-Proverbs 30:21, 23, NASB (emphasis mine)
I can still picture the moment…
We had just moved into our first home we bought together. It was in our bedroom. I was standing near the doorway when the revelation that my (now ex) wife did not feel lovable.
I don’t remember what prompted the exchange. However, I remember thinking that I would love my (now ex) wife so well that I would convince her she was worthy of love. It was a challenge for me.
Guess what?
It was a stacked challenge. The goal was doomed to failure from the start. We cannot “fix” other people. They have to do their own soul work.
Looking back, I can see how co-dependent and naive that thought was. We cannot complete someone. Only God is able to do that.
A person who is convinced they are unlovable holds all the cards. He or she must decided whether they are willing to receive God’s truth–that they are intrinsically worthy of love–or continue clinging to the lie of being unlovable.
A spouse cannot make that choice for the other spouse.
We cannot borrow another’s faith. Some spiritual paths only have room for two–the person and God.
This post really struck a nerve with me. I read Proverbs 30 a year ago, and Verse 23 did not resonate with me at that time since Verse 20 was profoundly relevant to what I was going through.
My former wife also told me towards the beginning of our relationship that she had felt unloveable. She then went on to say that I had shown her love and “saved” her from her past. Like you, I was determined to show her unconditional love; and I naively, foolishly, (pridefully?) believed that my love would be enough for her.
What happened over the course of 23 years is she occasionally tested the boundaries of my love and our marriage. I believed she was a good wife and a loving mother, but her resentment towards men for what had happened to her in the past eventually surfaced and took over. I as her husband became the focus of her contempt and vengeance. I was now what stood in the way of her “happiness” and having fun. Like you, the game was rigged and the cards were stacked against me. Her overwhelming emptiness could never be filled by my love alone. So her demands for attention continued to grow. Then when family and responsibilities got in the way, she turn one me and started to pursue other men, all while leading me to believe there were no issues in our marriage.
Now she goes about her life as though she has done nothing wrong. I have suffered; our children continue to suffer; but she indulges with no regard for anyone but herself. I cannot look back, but I now have a workable understanding of the wisdom of Proverbs 30.