“We NEVER talk!” cries the cheater (in a conversation with their spouse).
Cheaters say one thing and really mean another.
The arguments they fight with faithful spouses are less about what they say and more about domination. It is not that faithful spouses will not talk but rather faithful spouses do not agree with what the cheater wants.
Conversations–or really arguments–are attempts by the cheater to dominate the faithful spouse into accepting the cheater’s position.
Once one recognizes this, you can choose whether or not to engage. The reality is that nothing sort of surrender is going to be accepted by the cheater.
-It might mean surrendering your grasp on reality to their distorted picture.
-It might mean surrendering and taking blame for something done to you.
-It might mean surrendering to all sorts of verbal or emotional abuse.
I do not think it is wise to surrender.
The temptation to surrender is real. We want peace. However, the long-term pain isn’t worth it. Plus, it is really accepting a lie.
We are called to walk in the light of truth as followers of Christ (see John 3).
Pay attention to this dynamic. You do not have to surrender to it. Treat the tantrum for what it is–a tantrum from an immature person, a child.
Don’t give in. Do not reward bad behavior.
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*A version of this post ran previously.
My eh NEVER really argued with me and I used to think it was because I was getting through to him but now I realise I wasn’t at all and it was because of his cowardice! I am more articulate than he is and of course, he would give either excuses or false apologies; “I know, sure! I’m sorry Love!” was one of his usual but as my son once said to him “If you KNOW, why do you do it?”
I now realise he never had any intention of stopping doing the things he KNEW either annoyed, upset or even deeply hurt me because I have valid reason to suspect he has a full-blown personality disorder, and always had some traits. He is covert, insidious and devious. He always ahd a loose relationship with the Truth and was only ever lukewarm in the Faith so he was easy prey for the cancerous people he’s shoved me and my son aside for, that dirty drug cocaine, and to the Father of Lies and his foul demons. This is why he betrayed me, and my son and worst of all, betrayed Our Lord. His crimes against Christ are even worse than his crimes against me. Ultimately, the person he’s betrayed the most is himself because he’s lost nearly everything. He’s lost the most precious thing any of us can have- Faith in God!
Please pray for the repentance and conversion/reversion of adulterers. God bless all here.
“It might mean surrendering to all sorts of verbal or emotional abuse.”
This is what I did, for the last year, what I now know as the year of discard. I would just stand there in horror while this person who looked so much like the man I loved, would scream at me and berate me, for stupid stuff. One example was for the first time in a 21 year marriage, we ran out of salt. Evidently running out of salt is one of the most henious crimes a spouse can committ. He then screamed at me to go to the store and buy ten boxes of salt. The worse part of this is, I went to the store and bought ten boxes of salt.
Later in that years, I would look at those boxes of salt whenever I needed courage to just get through the day. The day I left that house of horrors, I left 9 boxes in the cabinet over the stove. His mother moved in there and I oft wondered what she thought of those 9 boxes of salt.
I kept one of the boxes in my small curio cabinet to remind me to never let a low life like that in my life again.