And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve. – 2 Corinthians 11:14-15, NIV
It is hard to make sense of a experience when the words and actions do not match:
I am open to reconciliation. (But I am not open enough to stop committing adultery and lying to both you and the counselor.)
I want an “open and honest” conversation. (But I will keep you in the dark in regards to all the lies I’ve told you plus others about my affairs.)
I want a holy marriage. (The other man/woman I am committing adultery with is irrelevant to that goal as I see it.)
We, elders, care about you in this trying season. (Here’s your pink slip; we cannot have a divorced pastor leading our church whatever the reason.)
We care about you and think you need a break from ministry. (You will be removed from leadership and employment here; good luck funding your “break” on your own.)
So much of dealing with infidelity is utterly baffling.
What the unfaithful says is often hard to decipher for any sane and morally upright individual. Add to the confusion the often equally baffling–and harmful–responses of onlookers who think their “good intentions” absolve them from doing real damage to the faithful spouse (plus his/her family).
It can be both maddening and depressing.
Let’s not forget we live in a spiritual world. Satan loves darkness and confusion for both help him to operate in more freedom wrecking greater destruction.
One of the hardest parts for me was to realize some words were empty coming from my ex and others who proved themselves to be enemies and not actual friends. It took time for me to wrap my mind around the fact that what some of the words used denoted had absolutely nothing to do with how they were being used (see examples above). For a trusting individual like myself, this was a hard lesson to learn (and I am still learning it to be honest).
Besides the obvious–to me–notes of spiritual warfare involved with adultery, I chose the passage above to highlight how good sounding people or words can be a cover for dark evil. Just because it sounds righteous does not mean it is. Test it.
Let me give you a more extended example from my life:
A favorite phrase my now ex-wife used in counseling and even after the divorce was that she wanted an “open and honest” conversation. At face value, that sounds really good. It has the appeal of making her look virtuous. The goal is admirable.
But let me tell you, those words hid knives and clubs.
This phrase was employed like a smokescreen just before a brutal attack on my character and person as I remember it. To challenge the attack was to challenge her honesty. You don’t want me to be honest? Or it was to force her to hide the truth. You don’t want me to pretend, do you? All the while, her sinfully illicit relationship with another man remained covered with her copious lies.
So, the virtues of honesty and transparency were weaponized by the lie. She was being neither “open” nor “honest” yet claimed these noble words as a cloak for destruction. The saddest part of that is how she did not realize, like the false apostles mentioned in verse 15 above, that the destruction she was preparing was really her own.
The words “open and honest” are not the enemy. Light is not the enemy either even though Satan appears as an angel of light. I hope as each of you gets distance both emotionally and mentally from the madness that you will be able to sort the difference and draw the distinction.
The problem is not with the words; it is with the lies.
Keep that in mind when dealing with righteous sounding words.
Is there a lie being told here?
Do these people who say they care actually act in kindness or cruelty?
Is she really interested in being honest or just looking honest?
Thank you for sharing this today.
In the beginning straight after d’day my XH refused to give detail of his affairs, and to date all I know is, over what duration of time they happened, how many, and that they were all male.
In previous posts I have mentioned how he and the church dealt with it, and me.
In January after requesting for three months for him to collect his things from our home I received correspondence via my solicitor to stop harassing my XH, 6 text messages over as many weeks was considered harassment. My wanting to put items out for rubbish collection in perpetration of sale of our marital home was considered harassment. The letter also outlined how my XH is desperate to deal with the situation in an amicable manner, and my harrassing him was not conducive to this outcome. The correspondence mentioned several item my husband wanted returned to our garage. Which I did, I complied with the request. I no longer texted my XH regarding his things, I put the decayed items he wanted back in the garage.
Also I have antied up financials requested by my XH’s solicitor yet we have seen non of his documents that my solicitor has requested of him.
My XH is lazy, if he thinks he can just not do something then he just won’t do it. No one is the boss of him. If he does not acknowledge it, it is not important. Today is the deadline for him to comply with a letter of demand for all the outstanding requests from my solicitor dating back to January.
I share this because although in some part it may seem trivial, I struggle to understand how a person who professes Christ, who is involved in ministry, who is supported by the church in a new relationship with another woman is justified in his actions?
By your post the truth is he is not. Although the truth of his behaviour is hidden to man it is not hidden from God.
I can trust that my XH sucks, equally I can trust that God is faithful. And while I wait for all of this to be sorted, property and financial settlement, God is caring for me and our children. God is not idle.
My favourite expression of my ex wife was” meet me half way!’ When asking me to agree to see her boyfriend
She used to repeat it around our children a lot to make her sound good and conciliatory.
Another classic phrase she repeats include ” my marriage vows are important to me” presumably that is why she is now on her third set of marriage vows!
She threw all my possessions out onto our lawn once, changed the locks and refers to it to this day as ” me walking out on her and the children!”
She was expert in the use of the half lie half truth which, if you have ever experienced them are much harder to prove or disprove.
At one stage we had couple counselling from a pastor who appeared to be cut from the same cloth as my wife. During one counselling session I reminded my wife of the quote in Ephesians about wives submitting to to their husbands, the pastor told me in effect the bible can be contradictory!!!!!!!! I wondered why he could spend up to three hours preaching on it on Sunday’s if he found it so unhelpful.
When I told him I was considering divorce after finding she was continuing to meet her boyfriend in hotels he asked me ” Who wants you to get divorced God or satan?” I realise now that was a trick question ” Thanks to DM I now know the answer to what does hate more divorce or ongoing unrepentant adultery?
Thank you DM for helping me sort out the crazy. Some days (yesterday) I feel like my head is going to explode. I think the Jesus Cheaters are the worst kind because they do twist us up with confusion!! I’m good with decrement but for me Im ending a 31 year marriage and its extremely painful. Don’t get me wrong, I want the divorce to end the crazy lies and sin and defilement, its the STBXh and his twisting of scripture and constant blameshifting that I hate.
Sadly his parents are 85 still alive doing well, they always knew about his unrepentant and continued adultery but never said a word to either of us bc ‘they didn’t want to MEDAL”. People make ME feel like I did something wrong and avoid me. This is one of the craziest things I’ve been through in my 58 years of life. Thank you again DM for speaking TRUTH!!
Gigi56…I know what you are feeling. My husbands family have completely stopped talking to me and think that I should not have told anyone about my husbands affairs. I know now that some of my husbands bad behavior was learned by the secrets and lies that his family operates in.
I am excused of not being able to “handle” the discovery of his adultery and to “get over” it only 3 months after the truth came out. Sorry but I will hold my truth and my good morals. I did not ask for any of this and I will follow the path I am met to.
I do feel crazy somedays and confused by the spinning of lies. Hold your truth and let God guide you. Hang in there GiGi!!