“I don’t want to hear any more about what he did to you. What we need to talk about is your NEED to forgive!” -Christian “friend” Some Christians seemed flummoxed by the faithful spouse’s recoil at such a response to their situation. What these “friends” fail to see is what they actually saying and doing … Continue reading “Familiar abusive approach”
I don’t see divorce as the problem.
The problem is adultery. The problem is abuse and deception. The problem is sin. Divorce is a just a poor proxy to these problems. I understand the concern about the pain divorce brings. It is an unpleasant experience. However, sometimes we have to go through an unpleasant experience to escape an even worse experience–i.e. an … Continue reading “I don’t see divorce as the problem.”
Possible to repent? Sure. Likely? No.
As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. -Proverbs 26:11, NIV Within the Christian community, so much pressure is placed upon faithful spouses to “reconcile” with their cheating partners. Sometimes lip service is given to the importance that the cheater has actually changed and will not cheat again. However, the general … Continue reading “Possible to repent? Sure. Likely? No.”
Speaking at Chumpalooza 1.0 in two weeks!
In two weeks, Chumpalooza 1.o kicks off in Maryland! I am so excited to be a part of this conference for faithful spouses–i.e. chumps–where I will get to put faces to online names. I am scheduled to give two talks at this event: 1. Moral Injury and Why Healing from It Can Be So Difficult … Continue reading “Speaking at Chumpalooza 1.0 in two weeks!”
Hold fast to truth!
“Everyone on the side of truth listens to me.” -John 18:37b, NIV Truth: You did not drive your spouse to cheat (and abandon you). Truth: You do not deserve to be abused, (and cheating is abuse.) Truth: Divorcing a cheater is not sin. Truth: Divorcing an unrepentant cheater is not dooming your kids; rather, you … Continue reading “Hold fast to truth!”
The “Emotional Affair” Blameshift
“Well, I wouldn’t have cheated with her if you had paid me more attention,” says Cheater. “He listened to me. This is just a cry for help,” says Cheater. A major danger with emotional affairs is to underestimate their damage and to take them lightly. My first marriage’s ending started with a series of “emotional … Continue reading “The “Emotional Affair” Blameshift”
What are you believing?
You are in no way responsible for what was done for you but… …you ARE 100% responsible for what you believe about it! A major part of recovering from marital infidelity is recovering from believing lies about ourselves. These are lies that the cheater often seeds in our lives while they are working to discard … Continue reading “What are you believing?”
The “drug” of attention
When someone feels unlovable, I believe emotional affairs hold an especial allure. The temptation is to fill a legitimate need through sinfully illegitimate ways. A cheater takes their need to feel lovable and turns to the world to make them feel worthy of romantic pursuit. This might manifest through evenings at bars where she welcomes … Continue reading “The “drug” of attention”
Your Hur? Your Aaron?
Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. -Exodus 17:12b, NIV This verse comes from a story about a battle where the Israelites were winning as long as Moses kept his arms raised. Obviously, Moses’ arms got weary. When he grew tired, … Continue reading “Your Hur? Your Aaron?”
What an utter waste of time!
In my first marriage, we spent a significant amount of time going to couple’s therapy. This was done not because we were always troubled but for “preventative” maintenance. We even went to a marriage retreat before we got married. Generally speaking, those sessions were a waste of time and money. My second marriage has had … Continue reading “What an utter waste of time!”