“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
-Hebrews 13:4, NIV
“The Marriage Failed.” Yeah, right!
Today, I am writing about a certain psycho-babble used to help everyone avoid unpleasant discussions surrounding divorce. “The marriage failed.” It tried very hard…poor thing…but ultimately it just couldn’t keep us together.
Yes, that’s right. Such a statement makes marriage an agent and thereby obscures the real agent(s) in this affair–i.e. the husband and wife. It makes it sound like decisions were not made and thereby robs us of our agency. I see this as unhealthy and unbiblical.
In some ways, the terminology is tautologically accurate. Marriage is a union. The marriage is no longer in existence. It failed.
Personally, though, I sense saying a marriage failed is a “nice” way to avoid the awkward discussion about sin. Keep the conversation off such unpleasant things as actually pointing out the marriage ended in lies, abuse, and adultery. Who wants to know that? Such knowledge might make moral demands in how I treat or interact with the adulterer/adulteress in the future. Let’s just avoid all such unpleasantness.
Call it a failed marriage.
Since when did pastors become such psychology sycophants and cowards as they can no longer use Biblical language to label ungodly behavior? When someone commits adultery, they defile the marriage bed, and Scripture calls them an adulterer/adulteress (Hebrews 13:4, Romans 7:2-3). Have a problem with that? Your fight is with Scripture.*
Using this psychological babble to avoid a moral conversation results in further damage to the adultery survivor. They are left holding the culpability bag as much as the adulterer/adulteress. It reinforces the lie that they have shared responsibility in the adultery. This is unjust. It is a subtle and unbiblical blameshift onto the wronged spouse.
Don’t get me wrong: I am not saying the wronged spouse is sinless in the marriage. No human–whether married or not–is sinless (Romans 3:23). The wronged spouse is responsible for the marital problems they contributed, but my point is that they did not contribute the marriage killing sin of adultery (e.g. Mt 19) and/or the marriage killing action of abandonment (e.g. I Cor. 7). Therefore, they should not share in the responsibility that follows.
To end a marriage takes a choice from at least one spouse. For the adultery survivor (for example), they may make this choice without shame or culpability for destroying the marriage as the adulterer/adulteress already did that by his/her adultery.
For my part, I know I am not responsible for the end of my first marriage. My former spouse failed morally in choosing adultery over marriage. The consequence of those moral failures was the ending of my first marriage.
I do not accept any shame in that.
I do not accept any part of failure.
My marriage did not fail.
It was destroyed by an adulteress.**
*The good news for all is that we are not stuck in our sins. Being an adulterer/adulteress need not be a permanent condition (see I Cor 6:9-11). However, I fail to see how one can repent and find forgiveness (see I John 1:9) if one is unwilling to call sin, sin.
**To be clear: It is my hope that my former spouse will repent of her adultery someday and find forgiveness. I do hope she will be able to say with the Apostle Paul that she once was an adulteress (I Cor. 6:11).
“**To be clear: It is my hope that my former spouse will repent of her adultery someday and find forgiveness. I do hope she will be able to say with the Apostle Paul that she once was an adulteress (I Cor. 6:11).”
Me too. While my marriage is over, I do still fear for my STBXW. I fear for her spirit and her mental wellbeing when this other relationship fails.
Me too. While my marriage is over, I do still fear for my STBXW. I fear for her spirit and her mental wellbeing when this other relationship fails.
I found it interesting that people not only preferred to term the situation as a failed marriage, but if they became aware of the adultery and accompanying bad behavior that these same people would be shocked that you as the victim would pray for the soul of person who had abandoned the relationship. Even more interesting is the reaction when this is pointed out. Loss of words is an accurate description.
Pastor David, my estranged husband recently told me that it’s just about him and I. Are you kidding me, do you have amnesia.? I don’t, and don’t minimize what you did. It’s an insult to my intelligence never mind a total lack of remorse on his part. He says he talks to God everyday. I hope he’s asking for character…
IKM-“He says he talks to God everyday. I hope he’s asking for character.” That made me chuckle, boy it sounds like he’s more than just a few crayons short of the full box. As CL says, character transplants don’t just happen and they don’t happen overnight. He needs one, but until he realizes it he won’t change. When God legitimately changes you, He takes over everything. It doesn’t sound like your EH really wants to change. David’s ex actually told him that her relationship with the AP had no affect on their marriage…and she’s an LMFT! “It’s just about you and I honey” (oh and that group of girls over there that I sleep with and the guys at the bar, oh and the monthly prostitutes…). Ay ay ay!
This is so true. What do you do with a spouse who says he is sorry and wants to rebuild, but still maintains contact with the AP?
If he is still maintaining contact with the AP, then he is not serious about rebuilding the marriage, in my opinion. Do you stay friends with someone who soul raped your spouse and destroyed your home? I don’t think so. If he is truly serious about rebuilding, he needs to cut off all contact. In fact, his last communication with her ought to be in your presence as he has already established that he is capable of vast deceit by committing adultery. He needs to be less concerned about his AP’s feelings and more concerned about his WIFE’s! And I would add that a crack addict does not stay in touch with his dealer if he is serious about kicking his addiction. Your husband is addicted. He needs to cut off his ‘supplier.’ That is how I see it.
Lillian I give your spouse a point for candor, if it was his candor that revealed he still has contact with the AP. More importantly, he gave you the information you need.
In other words, by his own admission his actions towards the AP do not match his words to you.
Agreed. But that is the problem. They need to match or trust remains broken along with the marriage.