“She always struck me as the type that needed to take her medicine straight up.”
– J, a friend from seminary, referring to my (now) ex-wife
These pearls of wisdom came from a true friend during a time when I was floundering. I needed to grow a backbone quickly. Thankfully, I had a friend like J who pushed be to draw healthy boundaries.
It is important to remember that adulterous spouses are not fragile wallflowers.
They have chosen to violate their marriage vows. And have chosen to cover such treachery with lies. Some have even gone further and launched attacks on the faithful spouses’ character.
Do not be deceived!
And adulterous spouse is a willful aggressor!
This is why hand-holding, Family of Origins (FOO excuse work will not solve the problem. The pastor or Christian leader is fiddling while the well-being of the faithful spouse is getting trampled on by the faithless spouse. Satan is laughing in their face.
By not having to make tough choices, Satan is allowed to bring destruction on both spouses. Spiritual destruction ultimately for the cheater (see I John 3:9) and numerous present-day manifestation of destruction for the faithful spouses.
Stronger medicine is needed.
God calls adultery evil (see Deut. 22:22).
You cannot defeat evil if you are unwilling to see it as such. And you cannot defeat evil by excusing or minimizing it. Evil needs to be confronted.
This is no time for half measures.
Adultery is a REAL BIG PROBLEM!
It is not a “slip up.” It is not a “mistake.” It is not even an “affair.”
It is SIN.
It is SOUL RAPE.
It is EVIL.
And such evil calls for the strongest of medicines:
Confrontation.
The evil must stop. That must be priority number one for anyone who claims to care for the souls involved in violated marriage. We must love in action–even difficult and tough action–if we love in truth.
Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
– I John 3:18, NIV
Adultery is evil. Who I thought was a good man for many years (my now ex) changed overnight it seems into a cheater, a liar, and an abuser. My daughters and I lived with this evil for 8 months. He seemed to have no compassion for our pain and suffering. Adultery isn’t a slip up or a mistake even if they try to pass it off as that. It had to be planned first in the heart of the adulterer. Then they had to arrange being alone with the other party. Then when they are caught they turn on you like a ravenous wolf and bring family members into their defense. They are the pitiful ones and you are the bad guy. I was told by his mother(in my birthday card) that I needed to forgive him and that I drove him to it. It was pretty obvious by things that she said that he had lied to her. And he lied to my children about me to tear me down to make himself look justified somehow. They didn’t buy it though. They do a lot of hard work and deception in order to cheat. They are definitely a willful aggressor and NOT a fragile wallflower.
DM,
I have been traveling with my family for the past weeks and not able to read all your recent posts. But find them beyond powerful when I do!
Few weeks ago picked up a book “The Science of Evil.” by Simon Baron – Cohen who says that:
“I attempt to re-define “Evil,” in terms of the erosion of EMPATHY and look at why some people have more or less empathy than others and what happens when we lose it.”
The first word that came to my heart when I discovered what was REALLY going on in my private sacred core and marriage….was that very word
“Evil.”
Afterwards ( after the “DIscovery.”) I walked alone……. in a back stabbing, colluding-shallow-culture until I met fellow veterans of deceit, betrayal, secrecy and lies.
People interested in the truth
Unless this happens to you – you have no idea
For the past 5 years I have looked at science, psychology, sociology, religion, etc, etc, etc, and so far (maybe) only in philosophy (the ancient’s like Plato’s – Socrates). My personal observation is that:
Humans don’t want to look at (themselves) or be accountable for their capacity for evil. It’s always something or “someone else.”
We ignore our true darker side, glorify it, culturally collude with it or let it rule. We turn our faces from our own “Intimacy Evil.”
Our planet is suffering from human hubris and denial.
Partner cheating and lying has become epidemic for both men and women.
It has become domestic violence by stealth. Popular culture colludes and denies the dangers and risks to future generations.
We currently live in a world that promotes criminal self absorption and entitlement and privilege for “special people.”
We used to have a few good or bad Kings and Queens now everyone thinks they are “all that.”
They would be King
over the ashes
With Great Respect and Love
V