If a pastor asks a faithful spouse about your part in the divorce from a known cheater, that is a sign his advice for you is not going to be godly or good for you.
This sort of blame-assigning question is like stomping on someone’s foot and then asking your victim what was his part in the stomping.
I suppose that your victim could talk about how he was standing in a place where you could stomp on his foot. However, the act of stomping is still 100% your fault.
This is how I view marriages that end following adultery.
The Bible does not do an inquest about the circumstances regarding the marriage prior to a divorce except to ascertain the adultery. If there is sexual infidelity, the faithful party is allowed to divorce (see Mt 19:9). It is that simple.
If I had no portion in the adultery, then I am free of guilt as it comes to a divorce under those circumstances.
A good and wise pastor understands this.
They understand a godly potential consequence of sexual infidelity committed by a spouse is divorce.
A wise pastor understands asking a faithful spouse about the cause of their divorce or asking them to talk about “their part” is akin to asking them what they did to make their cheater abuse them by cheating.
This is very common in circles that teach counterfeit masculinity, and denigrate women. The secular equivalent can be found on the websites known collectively as “The Manosphere,” and the supposedly sacred equivalent in circles that claim to teach Biblical gender roles but frequently teach the baggage of the church leaders instead. (Do NOT search for “manosphere” sites without the understanding that you’ll be reading about violation, degradation, and abuse in profane and vulgar terms – in other words, do not search for them, and just trust that they’re out there. You don’t have to go swimming in a sewer to know it would be bad for you — you can take someone’s word for it.)
Something I have found helpful in dealing with blame-shifting when it comes to adultery are Jesus’ words in Matthew 15:19: “For out of the heart come evil thoughts — murder, adultery…”
It is sobering that Paul lists for us the acts of the sinful nature, but Jesus makes clear the source: our hearts. Not others’ actions or thoughts, but our own. And we must remember that Jesus says adultery starts in the heart, and can move to the way a person might look in lust on another. It isn’t simply intercourse outside of marriage. John reiterates this truth concerning murder, as well: “He who hates his brother is a murderer.”
We love looking for loopholes, and try to justify ourselves through telling ourselves (and others) that we have not broken the letter of the law. However, the word of God lets us know that God is interested in the spirit of the law, not just the letter, and our thoughts and hearts do not escape scrutiny. How wonderful that Jesus fulfilled the law for us, and has written it upon our hearts. We are to obey the conviction and leading of the Holy Spirit under the new covenant, not try to satisfy our legalistic tendencies by looking to the old.
The adultery of the adulterer started in their deceitful human heart, and if they did not reject that temptation but gave into it, then they sinned. As James says, they allowed desire to conceive sin, rather that flee and renounce the temptation they were faced with, no matter the circumstances of their marriage.
Someone who desires to reconcile with the spouse they cheated on may want to talk eventually about the issues in the marriage, but they do so at their peril if they in any way use the issues to justify their adultery. Mature counselors and pastors know “marriage issues” are not the starting point for a discussion concerning adultery. The starting point is the adulterer’s relationship with God and their need for reconciliation with Him.