Don’t answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are. -Proverbs 26:4, NIV
When dealing with a lying cheater, sometimes the best policy is simply to choose NOT to engage.
You may find yourself arguing with a “fool” if you do engage.
I know this is easier said than done. It is hard to surrender the hope of getting them to agree that you are right. But is it really worth the hassle?!
Many cheaters will likely never give you the satisfaction of actually coming clean and giving a good apology.
They count on your desire for this to suck you back into their web of manipulation. They dangle out a little hope that they will be remorseful, then whack you over the head with their “reasons you are the one who messed up the marriage.”
It will be obvious if they really are remorseful.
For your own emotional and spiritual well-being, I’d recommend not engaging in a discussion with a cheater who is not utterly humble and allowing you to call the shots regarding the marriage.
Barring such a truly repentant cheater, I say that your best bet is to avoid engagement with them. Personally, I believe I would have saved myself much grief if I had followed such advice earlier.
You really have nothing profitable to say to a cheater about your marriage as long as he or she is lying about the infidelity and keeping nasty secrets.
So, save your breathe. That cheater loves their sin more than you or God.
Best to get away from the downward trajectory of such a person (see Hebrews 10:26-27)!
“That cheater loves their sin more than you or God.” And that is the TRUTH! But for some reason my now ex-husband thinks God is okay with what he’s done. My ex has lied to me and everyone he’s involved with. He even lied about me by smearing me behind my back during the time we were in counseling with our pastor (the narc smear campaign that starts when the faithful spouse has no clue what is coming!). A part of me thinks he believes his own lies. He told me constantly our entire marriage what a wonderful wife I was and how I took such great care of him and our children. He said it a lot! And it was THE TRUTH! I did take great care of him and our children. But then he had to turn me into the bad guy to justify what he was doing to me and our family. He said and I quote, “You never took good care of me.” Unbelievable! Like you said, Divorce Minister. Do not engage with a fool! The sad part is that when you are in it and trying to figure things out, you don’t realize you are talking to a fool! I don’t engage anymore. I tell him specific things about the kids that he needs to know via email. He’s tried to engage in “friendly talk” about the kids and I just don’t reply back. He’s no longer my friend. He’s my enemy and he’s also a fool. I’ve been saying he’s a fool since he started saying foolish things. Thank you for your blog, Divorce Minister. I read it every time you post something. I’ve been struggling with my faith since this all happened. My ex-pastor seemed to take the cheaters side during counseling. He denies it, but I was there and I know what I saw and heard. The pastor also lied to me three times, which he also denies. And my sister was there for one of the things he said and later denied saying, so it’s not just “crazy” me remembering things wrong! The adulterer got to stay as a leader of young boys at my now ex-church. The pastor lies. It’s all been so hard to take in. I never would have thought a church would have handled things like this. They haven’t acted like Jesus in any way! That’s why I read your blog, because then I don’t feel so lonely. I’m not the only one who’s been treated badly by a church and fellow Christians! Thank you for what you do. 🙂
Martha, I’m so sorry! You are not alone. I went to two people in leadership in our church and told them we really needed help. I even told our Assoc. Pastors wife ( not details- she’s a gossip) but that my marriage was in trouble and I desperately needed someone to call my husband and I. I told her I wasn’t sure I was even going to make it to my next Anniversary. Not one phone call. Instead, months later when I finally left him- how the rumors swirled. One of my daughters even went to talk to her and instead of coming to me , she decided to put something up on Facebook. We left that church not just for that reason and about a month later, her husband… upstanding assoc. pastor decided to tweet something that I am sure was about my family. It was heartbreaking and I was furious. Typical of the problems there! We were there almost 12 years and I had never asked for help before. I’m pretty sure they just wanted to use us as an example of sin. Mind boggling!!
I’m so sorry, Marie, that happened to you. Especially the Facebook post and then a tweet that probably about your family. Sometimes I truly do not understand churches and Christians! I know no church is perfect and either are Christians. But they are some things that you just think they will just do the right thing as some things are black and white/right and wrong. My ex-husband “got the church” as he’s a wolf in sheeps clothing. The woman he got caught out with on a date and who he committed adultery with isn’t even a Christian. They are now boyfriend and girlfriend. Their best couple friends are two people who committed adultery together and divorced their faithful spouses. But my ex-husband is looked up at church as this great leader. It makes me sick and I just don’t understand it. I’ll never understand. But just like Divorce Ministers blog post from today, 7/26/17 — God is not impressed by ex-husbands “works.” My ex has blamed all his lying/cheating on me and to this day says he hasn’t done anything wrong even though I have proof his had!
I agree that there comes a time when you must decide to no longer engage. I spent a long time trying to get my ex-husband to confess and repent for his adultery. He refused to admit it despite evidence to the contrary. I realized I was waiting for confession and repentance that most likely was never going to happen. I also read that when cheaters withhold information and lie to their partners about their affairs that pleasure centers in their brains light up. Their lying also gives them a false sense of superiority, because they are depriving someone of information who wants it desperately. The lack of confession and repentance definitely sends a message that they are not sorry and also not interested in a true marriage, based on honesty and fidelity.
Singleagain, That’s really interesting about the pleasure centers of their brain lighting up when they are lying! I have never heard that one before. I will have to follow-up more on that one for sure. I have never understood my exes pathological lying. He’s been doing it from the very beginning of our relationship. And so many times I heard him tell lies to me or others when the truth would have been better. It never made any sense to me!