“For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.”
-Mark 7:21-23, NIV
When a lack of sex (or attention) is treated as the cause…
Infidelity is not caused by a lack of sex or emotional attention from a spouse. Jesus makes that very clear in this passage from Mark.
Sin is caused by the wickedness within a person’s heart overflowing into sinful choices and actions.
This is vital to keep in mind when dealing with cheaters. They are liable to try and point to everything but his or her own heart as the cause for violating their marriage vows.
In giving advice to fix an infidelity ravaged marriage…
Christians who tell faithful husbands to give their cheating wives more emotional attention fail to keep this basic spiritual truth in mind.
In giving advice to fix an infidelity ravaged marriage…
Christians who tell faithful wives to give their cheating husbands more sex fail to keep this basic spiritual truth in mind.
Throwing more sex (or more emotional attention) at a cheater just reinforces the LIE that they only cheated because they were married to substandard spouse–i.e. someone who either did not give them enough sex or enough emotional attention.
Again, this is a LIE!
Whether or not a spouse is “substandard ” in some way is beside the point!!!
God does not give people permission to commit adultery based on their spouse’s performance or lack thereof. Even being sinned against does not thereby give us permission to go and sin.
I target this sort of causation thinking as I am aware that it is all too common advice coming from pastors and other Christian leaders.
For a time when I was utterly desperate to save my first marriage, I agreed with this awful and unbiblical mindset. I know what it is like to attempt to give more to a cheating spouse only to experience even more contempt from said cheater.
This response from a cheater ought not to surprise us…
Does giving an addict more of their substance of choice cure the addict of the addiction or push the addict further into the addiction?
Some cheaters are addicted to physical sex.
Some cheaters are addicted to the thrill of romantic attention–i.e. “the chase.”
Advising a faithful spouse to give the cheater more sex or more romantic attention is like telling a spouse to give an alcoholic partner more booze.
Following such advice generally will not end well!
Plus, such advice undermines the statement that the faithful spouse–i.e. non-addicted partner–has a real problem with the addiction. It is a mix message.
Bottom line:
When a lack of sex (or attention) is treated as the cause…
…sin is left unaddressed and the victims of said sin are further harmed.
Sometimes I wonder if my lack of desire was something my body or soul knew deep down that my mind didn’t know.
I came to realize that my ex had no time or energy for physical or emotional intimacy because he was expending that energy elsewhere – and it was too much work to “keep all the plates spinning” (aka: keep all his stories straight because he is a compulsive liar as well as serial cheater!!). He would literally come home from being gone all week and sleep and play on his iPad most of the weekend.