Recently, Chump Lady posted on Doug Weiss’ divorce and then sudden engagement to Joni Lamb (of the Christian Daystar broadcasting fame).

Dr. Doug Weiss treats “sex addiction” and claims to be in recovery from sex addiction for over 30 years. While this is important information to know for context, this post is not so much about Weiss. This post is about a letter responding to Chump Lady’s post.

Here’s the letter with my response in blue:

Hello Chump Lady,

I’m so sad to read this about Doug.

I feel sad for Lisa, too.

Sad for their family.

Divorce would be the worst, if not for infidelity.

Infidelity is the worst. Worse than death.

This is actually a good start. However, I still have issues with the thinly veiled divorce shame. Sometimes, divorce is a godly gift to faithful spouses.

And maybe that’s what happened to their family.

We do not know if Doug (or his wife cheated).

The reason behind this divorce is left unstated. If you make your living as a Christian helping marriages dealing with a partner in sex addiction, then you probably should be more transparent about why your marriage ended. You are acting as a teacher–minimally–in the Body of Christ; therefore, you are going to be held to a higher level of accountability for doing so (Luke 17:2).

Did he “relapse” with prostitutes? Did she (Lisa) leave unbiblically? We do not know. That is a problem if you are holding yourself up as an example who claims to be able to even help pastors.

I don’t feel personally offended that Doug is Christian and that he got off the path.

You don’t have to be offended to consider this wrong. The problem is not that “a” Christian *MAY* have committed adultery. The problem is a Christian leader teaching on marriages and working with vulnerable Christian couples is hiding his own skeletons. It calls into question whether or not he is morally disqualified for this work. With such questions hanging over his head, I would not recommend anyone see him based on this alone (and that isn’t even touching on his suspect advice before this saga).

(Assuming that he did. I mean, I have a good friend who met a guy and married him before a week had passed, and they’re still happy, in love and married, 15 years later. It hasn’t been spelled out or confessed publicly that there was infidelity in Doug and Lisa’s marriage.)

So? A personal antidote about a marriage started under questionable circumstances does not resolve the moral questions raised by such sudden engagements post divorce. Maybe they are all in sin?

Sometimes, cheaters stay married for significant time to their affair partner. It doesn’t change the fact that adultery is always wrong.

No one can uphold the law.

So, don’t bother obeying the Ten Commandments?

Pastors and Christian leaders are to have solid character (I Timothy 3). It is not too much to ask that they do not commit adultery (if that is what happened here).

Jesus said he is the way, the truth and the life and that no one comes to the Father except through him. When we believe in him, we’re given “the righteousness of God” in some mystical way. But when we veer off from him, our lives take on characteristics of those who are not on the way. We’re cut off from contact with God. We lose our saltiness. We lose our light. We lose the truth. We lose our way. We lose our life.

Some important Scripture to consider here is found in Hebrews 10:26-27 (NIV):

“²⁶If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, ²⁷but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.”

Unrepentant Christian cheaters–like those who cheated, divorced, and remarry other than the faithful party–are examples of those who are deliberately sinning. This is a sobering word for such individuals.

So when we’re “in Christ,” we’re being true to our nature as new creations.

When we’re not “in Christ,” we’re being true to our nature in the fallen Adam.

We choose who we follow.

And when we choose, (and acting is choosing) we’ve declared our path… there’s no hypocrisy going on there…

One is a loving creator. The other is a tyrant.\

Agreed. We get to choose. God does not compel us to love and obey Him.

The Christian life, from my understanding, is lived moment by moment, and sometimes we choose the wrong path. I do it. We all do it. But getting back on the right path is instantaneous, once we see our errors.

In the dead of night, the shepherd counts his sheep. If one is missing, he goes after it. And brings it back to the fold.

Yes. But Jesus also allows people to reject him and righteousness permanently as Hebrews 10:26-27 illustrates.

Not so instantaneous, the repair of the damage that we do when we venture out of the fortress of his love. Those consequences can be severe. Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.”

Precisely, deliberate sin suggests either the person never was a follower of Christ, or he is destined to eternal separation from Him per Hebrews 10:26-27 and this quoted passage about being thrown into the fire–i.e. Hell.

It seems to me that cheaters are just cheaters. Once Christians decide to veer off the path, they become just like the rest. They loses the sweet scent of the presence of God in them and then suffer the consequences of that decision.

An unrepentant sinner is an unrepentant sinner. But I would say the difference is that the Christian who chooses this path is going to be held to a higher accountability as someone who knew better.

To be disappointed in people is to have believed in people.

I do not agree with such a broad sweeping statement. We are disappointed in people who are pastors or Christian therapists because they hold positions of public trust. Their moral failures are a betrayal of that public trust. It is proper to be disappointed as plenty of pastors and Christian therapists have lived morally righteous lives without betraying such trust.

Why do Christians disappoint us when they sin? We all sin. They’re honest about it. Only God is worthy of our hope and belief.

This is called “sin-leveling.” Treating all sin as the equal. While all sin separates us from God, sins have very different impact in the world. God sees this as well, or God would not be just.

When it comes to Christian leaders–including pastors and Christian marriage therapists–we are not expecting a sinless life. We are expecting lives free of major disqualifying sins like adultery.

Plenty of godly men and women have meet this threshold over the generations since the start of Christianity. It is NOT too much to expect. So, it is not unreasonable to be disappointed when a Christian leader fails to meet this expectation.

I know people who decide to get what they want when they want it, and they’re not sitting and pondering about “the way.” Those people are not “in Christ,” although they may have truly professed to be Christians. They’re trying to maneuver around to satisfy the tyranny of the flesh, because they’re under the law, which can never be satisfied. They’re being ruled by a tyrant. They’re not choosing freedom. They’re choosing not to serve God. They don’t want to serve anyone. They want freedom. But what they don’t know is that the way to freedom is through belief. We choose the master, but we are the servants. And, paradoxically, choosing to serve God brings love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. And those things bring freedom. Choosing to serve self brings destruction.

And you point this out in every other post. Leave the cheater alone! He is digging his own grave.

Yes, people are subject to consequences of their own decisions and some choose the broad path of destruction instead of obeying God.

Most Christians are not parading around, acting as if they’re perfect. The very tenet of Christianity is that “all fall short of the glory of God.”

Requiring Christian leaders to NOT commit adultery is far from expecting perfection.

But yeah. Christians who are teachers or in the helping professions or in the ministry do have more responsibility (to God) to love Him with all their heart, with all their mind, with all their strength, and to love their neighbors as they love themselves.

You sign up for higher scrutiny as a Christian leader when you become a Christian leader. Don’t want the scrutiny? Don’t become a Christian leader.

But that is a commandment for all, too. And we can’t even keep the commandments without being infused with the Holy Spirit. God gives us the way to have a good life, and the power to do it, but few decide to go his way.

While we all are to live holy lives, that does not mean we are held to the same standards. Christian leaders need to watch their lives more closely as they are held to a higher level of scrutiny. God requires more (see I Timothy 3).

So a Christian who chooses to cheat? They’re just choosing the flesh as their master. Like everyone else who doesn’t know God. If we’re disappointed in them (for not being perfect?) we should be disappointed and offended by all others who have lost their way or who have never found the way, the truth and the life. They have reduced themselves with their decisions.

Again, this is a straw man. We are not expecting our leaders to be perfect. Rather, we ARE expecting them to not commit disqualifying sins like adultery. It is proper to be disappointed when leaders fail to live up to this expectation.

And no wonder that we all lose our way sometimes!

This strikes me as a minimization. I find it offensive as a victim of adultery to have such an experience treated this way.

The idea that “we all lose our way sometimes” makes is sound like we all commit adultery or we all commit murder, for examples. This just isn’t so. Some chose righteousness and remain faithful to God through their whole lives never falling in these major ways.

The world’s message is powerful. It’s on every billboard, in every magazine, on the Internet, in the movies, in our homes when we’ve relaxed our minds and bodies, and what does it take to not be influenced by all that?

Constant daily decisions to keep God the focus and to give our selves to him.

And that’s it.

Yes, we need to be careful not to give into temptation. All are tempted, but not all give into that temptation.

So Doug? He will reap the consequences of his decisions, as all of us will.

True, we all will answer for our decisions (see 2 Cor 5:10).

And Lisa? She is dramatically affected by his decisions, but that’s marriage. She has her own decisions to make now. Will she carry bitterness? Will she try to get revenge? Will she slander his name? (Apparently not. We’d see it in the tabloids if she was doing that.)

Speaking the truth isn’t slander–even when the truth is unflattering to one party.

These sort of questions and line of thinking is spiritually abusive, in my opinion. They use a sincere desire to honor God to silence Lisa. If she doesn’t stay silent, these questions imply she is trying to “get revenge” or is harboring “bitterness” or engaging in “slander.”

Speaking the truth is not slander. Faithful spouses are free to speak the truth and need to speak the truth to be free. This includes naming the sin perpertrated against them (which may or may not be the case here).

I just feel sadness.

That’s all I can say…

-Not Personally Offended

Right now, we do not know the facts of the situation leading to Doug Weiss’ divorce. We DO know that the timing of the engagement to Joni Lamb does raise reasonable questions about whether his behavior was and is truly blameless.

As far as being disappointed, I believe we have every right to feel disappointed when Christian leaders fail to live up the biblical qualifications laid out the Bible. That is healthy. If we weren’t disappointed, then we probably never expected our leaders to live as God expects them to live.

-Pastor David (aka Divorce Minister)