When trying to determine real repentance, I recommend watching for a guilt-response as opposed to a shame-response from the cheater.Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
-2 Corinthians 7:10, NIV
What do I mean by a “guilt response” versus a “shame response?”
A “guilt response” looks like:
The cheater fully owns his lies and infidelities. He or she is not proud of what they did; however, they understand they now have an opportunity to change and do better. They reject the behavior as a violation of their own values system. The lies and infidelities are treated as a sad chapter of their lives rather than the essence of who they are. The cheater in a “guilt response” does not need convincing of their need to make amends. They understand this is part of putting right what he or she did wrong.A “shame response” looks like:
A cheater stuck in a “shame response” is full of despair. He or she may cry about what they did wrong; however, they make no moves to set things right. This individual wallows in self-pity. Such is “worldly sorrow.” Cheaters in shame treat their lies and infidelities as “in character” with who they are. So, they are incapable in this mindset of true repentance. How can you change if you believe you ARE these things? The cheater in “shame response” blames their “Maker” for making them this way. They cannot change their behavior because they have not owned it as such.As long as a cheater is in a “shame response,” repentance is not a possibility for them.
I do not recommend staying with a cheater stuck in a “shame response” as they will continue their abusive behavior. It is just a matter of time for it to start again as they are missing the spiritual essentials to do differently. If a cheater is in a “guilt response,” some hope exists for rebuilding the marriage. That is the basic material necessary for rebuilding a healthy marriage.Want to know if they are really repentant?
Look at whether they see their behavior as something very bad they did (guilt response) or something very bad that they are (shame response).
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