Mailbag: A Chump Again?

Dear Divorce Minister,

My ex-wife sent this email too me tonight. (Just in time to keep me up)

“Hi L.

I will soon be turning 66!  The benefit of old age is that I will be eligible for social security.  I went to the SS office and was told I can sign up for your social security since we were married over 10 years and I did not remarry.  The officer assured me this does not affect your benefits or (your wife’s) in any way.  As soon as I retire and take STRS, this spousal benefit will end.  I plan on working 1 or 2 more years.  In order to sign up for this I need a certified copy of your birth certificate.  I was wondering if you have this paper.  You would have needed it to get a passport.  It must be the registered copy with the embossed seal from the county recorder.  If you have one, I would really appreciate borrowing it to show them and then returning it asap.  Brandon or Danny could pick it up if you didn’t want to put it in the mail. 

Another possibility is that your parents have one.  I wouldn’t want to ask them without your permission.

Would you please let me know if you have this paper and if you’d let me borrow it?  I would really appreciate your help with this.

Thanks,

XXX”

The end of my marriage with this woman was a horror show. 

After 25 years she tells me she want a divorce, she doesn’t love me anymore. I of course find out later that she has been cheating for for years and has been lying to me and our kids the whole time. Now she has a  a new lover. Her violence during our separation causes me to file a restraining order. She lies to me and counselor during a reconciliation attempt. With the assistance of a finance professional girlfriend she attempts to swindle our house from me and then refuses to let me buy her out of our home when she cannot afford too.

As a Christian I want to follow Jesus in forgiving 70 times 7, but I am not sure how to make it apply in this situation. By my experience she is still actively hurting me. 

-She has never asked for forgiveness for her adultery, and dishonesty. 

-Because she has a record of dishonesty and manipulation I do not take her word any of this is true.

-She suggests including our children and my parents in this transaction. (which I see as manipulation and perhaps blackmail) 

I do not feel I owe her anything more.

-I have never criticized her to our children

-We completed our divorce, each represented by attorneys so the settlement was fair by state law.

-I have gone out of my way in the past to send her documents and personal items I thought she would want. Never reciprocated.

I an just done with her. It must be possible that she can get this document another way. What if I had died? I am OK communicating with her, but I am not sure it would serve any purpose except enrich her. (She doesn’t need the money. She inherited her parents home worth several million dollars) If this would somehow bring closure that would be great, but the thought of it makes me feel like a chump again.

What do you think DM?

You have my permission to turn this into a public post if you care to.

-L

Dear L,

Sorry to hear you were blindsided by this madness from your cheating ex-wife. Cheaters sure love to stir the emotional pot of their victims!

That said, I want to start my response to your letter with a reminder…

Remember: You have choices and agency in this!

Because she has a history of shady financial activity directed against you, I would want to first verify with a third party–who understands Social Security benefits–whether this is a legitimate request coming from her. I just do not know enough about such benefits to give you advice. It is outside my professional “wheelhouse.”

 Assuming it is a legitimate request, then you have to make a decision:

A) Do I fight her over giving her information she is entitled to have (including making her go through another route to it)?

OR

B) Is it less emotionally taxing for me to give her the document and avoid a fight over “withholding” said document from her?

As an outsider with no emotion invested directly in your situation, I would encourage you to take Option B. (This is provided that you have verified that she is entitled to said information/benefits.)

I say this because I care about you, brother!

This has nothing, in my opinion, to do about forgiveness or being used, again. It is about exiting the drama storm before your drama queen cheater succeeds in sucking you back in.

These individuals are disordered enough to do these things just to inflict pain on us and suck us back into a fight with them.

Think of it another way:

Is this worth it to you to fight her and thereby re-engage in a relationship with her? I suspect not. That is why I encourage taking Option B.

It stinks that cheaters get anything from faithful spouses after their treachery. In fact, I would call it unfair and even unjust. But that does not change the broken-world reality in which we live.

Sometimes the best we can do is assess which path involves less pain or drama than the other. That does not mean we are choosing “The Pain-Free Path.” But then a pain free path is often not an option for us, faithful spouses, sadly.

Hope some of that helps!

-DM 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Mailbag: A Chump Again?”

  1. SHE will have to provide HER birth certificate, marriage license and divorce decree. She will only need to know his SS# and the SS Administration can look this up with his date of birth and birth place.

    The Social Security Administration on it’s website says a ex-spouse will never be notified that the former spouse is collecting benefits under their name. He never would have known unless she told him or someone else told him about this rule.

    My personal opinion is that she’s hoovering him and she knows this will hurt and/or bother him and that’s why she sent the letter. I look at all interactions from cheaters and liars in a different light now. My ex will write things a certain way or include something in an email that’s not needed to try to get my goat. I know what he’s doing and I ignore it because he’s a fool.

  2. Dear L,
    Martha’s comment is right on… there is no legit reason for your ex-wife to request a copy or original of your birth certificate. Very, very suspicious.

    If you have any further qualms about the legitimacy of her request, you can always go visit your own local Social Security office and privately speak to a representative about it. They will set your mind at ease. Her SS application is her own responsibility and the government can look everything up without your involvement. You don’t need to reply to your ex-wife or explain why you’re not complying with her crazy-making nonsense and mischief…. because that’s all it is.

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