Dear Divorce Minister,
I am a adultery (victim) survivor. I actually think my stumble onto your webpage was an answer to my prayer.
Recently a minister in my large church dropped a bombshell on the congregation. He told us that his wife had had an affair, and divorced him. He never prior to this announcement ever shared with anyone even his very well known father who is also senor pastor of the same church, or his mother to my knowledge. He stated that he wanted to be preaching his way through the pain like Hosea.
I know from personal experience the pain and agony of this kind of betrayal. All these years later, I am still scarred by the trauma of it all. And i have had great respect for this young man over the years.
But this just absolutely has thrown me. I completely understand his pain, as he shared that he had not been unfaithful to his wife. But that she had had an affair, and then decided to divorce him.
What is troubling me is why???? Why? Would this young man not have shared his pain with his own family, senor pastor, even his own mom? I find this most difficult to reconcile.
Should he not have at least shared his need to step down for a season from the pulpit while attempting to make things work out if possible with his wife?
We all could have walked through it with him, prayed for him, and for her. This young woman was an on fire, loving and sweet sister in Christ. I am devastated for all involved.
Having myself been through this, and the absolute emotional devastation, spiritual confusion and physical toll of a covenant of being one flesh united before God broken. I am feeling all over again to a degree the deep sorrow, and loss.
Now this young minister is traveling nearly every weekend away from church home. He has traveled before, but it definitley is increased. I can not shake the feeling, we do not know the entire truth. That once again a family run church is covering up for the member.
I remember the horror of being that ministers wife, and in one day from receiving 50 plus calls a day for ministry needs and friends inquiry’s to complete silence. Of the judgement and ridicule of others for not being the “wife” that met my husbands needs even though I am the one who was faithful!
I am praying, praying so much that all I am sharing is mistaken. That this young man is truely the victim. Believe me, I am not a novice to this scene.I dare not judge. But I frankly am so sick at heart to how these men in ministry carry on their “ministry” when they should repent. own their own sin. And step down.
Would it not have been better for the congregation, the new believers especially to have heard this young man say when all began…My wife has had an affair, I want to save my marriage, I am going to take a time of fasting, prayer and councel. Please pray with us, for us. Even if his wife would have rejected that plan, at least it would have been a picture to us that his desire was for a healed marriage.
Instead, he shares how he was in denial, and how he chose to keep it between him and God. This young man has a world wide ministry. Far reaching effects. Now he is posting his “testimony” of brokeness for all to see that he alone was the victim.
I am so confused about what is real ministry anymore. Please pray for me. I do not want to be bitter, or angry. i just want to understand. Thank you for taking the time for reading this.
Sincerely,
Confused-in-the-Pew
Dear Confused-in-the-Pew,
Wow. Where do I begin?
For starters, it makes sense that you are reeling from that heavy revelation from your beloved pastor.
He is dumping a lot of emotionally charged information upon you and his congregation at once. So, I am not surprised you are full of questions and concerns.
Let’s tackle your first few questions:
What is troubling me is why???? Why? Would this young man not have shared his pain with his own family, senor pastor, even his own mom?
If you–as the faithful spouse–knew your job was potentially in jeopardy if your boss knew about your marriage ending via your spouse cheating on and then abandoning you, would you likely tell the boss this news?
That is why–I suspect–he did not share it with his family and/or the church earlier. Pastors loosing their jobs over their spouses cheating on and divorcing them is all too common among evangelicals even today.
And trust me. I know. This website has created opportunity for me to hear a few of those sad stories.
As a general note, being a pastor ought to be more than just a job, but it is not less than a job. We need to be able to provide for ourselves and are families just like anyone else.
Next you ask:
Should he not have at least shared his need to step down for a season from the pulpit while attempting to make things work out if possible with his wife?
Not necessarily. I don’t know all the circumstances of this situation, and I am more inclined to respect the agency of the faithful spouse to decide what they need over a hard fast rule applied to all situations regardless of the particulars.
Respecting his agency is important.
Maybe he did not feel that he had a “need to step down for a season from the pulpit while attempting to make things work out…with his wife?” His wife–assuming she did indeed cheat on him–is not entitled to reconciliation.
Framing it as a “need” reinforces the lie that cheaters are entitled to reconciliation from a Christian spouse. The are not!
While it is laudable for a faithful pastor spouse to pursue their cheating partner, it is not a moral imperative as I read Scripture.
Jesus does not add that condition to his permission to divorce in Matthew 19:9–i.e. Jesus does not tell us: “You can divorce if your spouse was sexually unfaithful and you pursued him or her to reconcile afterwards.” Divorce is acceptable for a Christian full stop if a spouse has been sexually unfaithful per Jesus’ own words.
Next you speculate:
I can not shake the feeling, we do not know the entire truth. That once again a family run church is covering up for the member.
I do not know. It is possible that he is pulling a Tullian Tchividjian throwing his wife under the buss via announcing her “affair” to the church in order to keep his job and prestige. And perhaps, his famous and powerful parents are colluding to cover up? his sins?
Maybe? I do not know.
Or maybe he is as he presents himself:
A victim of infidelity and a divorce perpetuated by his cheating (ex) wife.
I would lean to assuming innocence until you have concrete evidence otherwise. How would you have liked people assuming you were lying about your cheating partner and were worse than him?
In other words, apply the Golden Rule here. I would give him the benefit of the doubt unless I heard or saw otherwise about the situation.
This brings me to another reason why it may be troubling you…perhaps, you identify more with his (ex) wife?
You wrote,
….This young woman was an on fire, loving and sweet sister in Christ….I remember the horror of being that ministers wife, and in one day from receiving 50 plus calls a day for ministry needs and friends inquiry’s to complete silence. Of the judgement and ridicule of others for not being the “wife” that met my husbands needs even though I am the one who was faithful!
It is possible that she is the victim in this situation. However, is possible that you are projecting your own painful experience upon the situation and feeling ill at ease thereby.
In other words, you were the wronged party in your situation and the minister’s wife. So, you naturally identify with his (ex) wife. Your ill-at-ease feelings may simply come from that natural affinity.
Once again, I don’t know. But I do believe that dynamic is worth considering.
You continue,
But I frankly am so sick at heart to how these men in ministry carry on their “ministry” when they should repent. own their own sin. And step down.
That line of thinking assumes this pastor is the perpetrator. I agree that we have too many men in ministry not owning their sin and stepping down. But that may not be what is happening here in regards to this pastor and how his marriage ended.
Would it not have been better for the congregation, the new believers especially to have heard this young man say when all began…My wife has had an affair, I want to save my marriage, I am going to take a time of fasting, prayer and councel. Please pray with us, for us. Even if his wife would have rejected that plan, at least it would have been a picture to us that his desire was for a healed marriage.
I do not know if that would have been better.
Maybe he only learned of the affair after she filed for divorce? Maybe he accepted his wife’s agency in rejecting God and their marriage covenant, and thereby saw no need to fight the divorce, which is a godly option for faithful spouses to take (see post here)?
My point is there is too much unknown in this situation to pass judgment upon what he should or should not have done here.
Also, I reject the notion that we as faithful spouses who are pastors have to seek reconciliation at all costs.
One instance of marital infidelity can be treated as a marriage covenant breaker.
God treated it this way and instructed His people to treat it this way (e.g. Deuteronomy 22:22).
Also, I believe it is healthy and constructive to teach how the sin of infidelity kills marriages. By presenting his marriage ending this way, your pastor is actually teaching a healthy message to new believers that sin has consequences…yes, even among professing Christians!
Too often, pastors teach that cheaters are owed second, third, and fourth chances.
By pushing reconciliation efforts on the victim, they teach the perpetrators that they are owed said reconciliation without respect to repentance even! This is an unhealthy and ungodly message, in my opinion. Yet it is very common.
All of this said, I am sorry for the pain this clearly is causing you and your church home. The whole matter certainly illustrates how sin like infidelity and unbiblically divorcing a husband is far more than just between the couple.
May you and your church experience the grace, peace, and comfort of our loving Lord Jesus during this difficult season of grief for all of you!
Blessings,
DM
