Divorce Minister,

Thank you so much for this blog. This has become a place I go to on a daily basis for answers and general enlightenment. So, I have another question for you. I’m still living my “best life now” with my WW. 😳

The actual infidelity was many years ago. But, since that time a frequent aspect of our interactions has become something I’ll call the “You saids…” . I’ll try to explain what I mean.

Since her infidelity, at random times she will bring up something and throw a “You said…” in my face that is contradictory to whatever my current action is. It can be about almost anything,but often concerns food choices. A hypothetical example would be if I just bought a carton of buttermilk to take home and drink. Her response would be as follows, “You said you hated buttermilk. Why are you buying it now?” I say that I never said I hated buttermilk . Then there’s this childish back and forth.

So, I use the above as just an example. We’ve never actually argued over my taste for buttermilk. Afterward, I rack my brain trying to remember the conversation when I denounced buttermilk as a drink fit only for rascals and rodents of unusual size.

I am constantly on guard for this kind of interaction with her as I have come to expect it. I just never know when it’s going to come about. I find it terribly difficult to defend against as I would basically need a photographic memory to catalog every conversation I have ever had with her.

My real question is if, in your experience, this type of behavior is common with someone who has committed adultery. When she brings these things up, it’s almost like a “gotcha” moment. It’s as if she thinks I’m engaging in some sort of relational chicanery. Her “gotchas” can be very frustrating to deal with. Thanks again for your ministry.

-Solidcore

Dear Solidcore,

Thanks for your kind words about my blog! I appreciate hearing that this ministry is having a positive impact in people’s lives.

If pressed, I might just respond with a question or two:

Why are you bringing that up? What does it matter to you? Are you just trying to make me look bad like I am inconsistent?

Asking these questions gives her a fair chance to give you an answer that might actually be benign. It is better to ask than to assume.

That said, she might be doing this to “win.”

From what you shared, this might be the all-too-common argument over realities. These sort of arguments are very common, in my experience, with cheaters. They are also not worth having.

As we grow and mature, we have to learn to accept that we own our perspective, and some people will never agree with it. That is fine. They are free to their own opinions.

Also, we own the choice to engage or not engage in arguments over reality. When it comes up, we can choose to change the subject or walk away.

I want to remind you that you have that power. You do not have to play the “game.” Walk away or choose to change the subject.

“You said that you hated buttermilk. Why did you just buy some?”

“Did you see the neighbor got a new truck? It would be nice to have a truck for projects around here. Do you think I should get a truck, too?”

I hope that helps!

-DM