Dear Divorce Minister,
Please help me! I feel destroyed by my husband and his parents.
3 months into our marriage I discovered he was a porn addict. At first he expressed regret, but as time went on and the porn continued, he started getting angry with me when I tried to confront him.
We’ve been married 7 years and have a 3 year old daughter. After our daughter was born I stopped bringing up the porn, even though I still saw evidence that he was turning to the filth. I tried not to think about it and focused on my precious baby girl instead.
As the years went by he increasingly demanded demeaning sexual acts from me, I put on over 70 pounds and didn’t really understand why. About 5 months ago he started telling me he was no longer attracted to me, and I was surprised by my gut reaction. Although I didn’t let on to him, I felt like I had just won the lottery. Hopefully that meant he wouldn’t want to touch me as much anymore, our love making had become so cruel and I felt so dirty with the filthy acts he demanded.
5 weeks ago I discovered that he is having an affair. He was furious with me for discovering it and put the blame on me for not working enough hours, doing enough housework or giving him enough sex.
His mom quickly told him to delete the proof of the messaging between him and the mistress, made him say sorry, (no joke….she stood there and made him say sorry which he did very grudgingly)and then told me we had to move forward. My husband could not have appeared less sorry to me as he shook in rage and had spit flying out of his mouth in his fury over me looking on his phone.
My father in law, someone I thought I could trust, told me that porn is something a lot of guys do…i shouldn’t let it bother me. And when I expressed concern about the affair he said there was a lot more going on in our marriage than just that (referring to my shortcomings in the home) I can’t believe how much they have deflected their sons betrayal onto me!
It has been 5 weeks, my husband refuses to go to counseling with me, and his parents (confessing christians) continue to house him and enable him. I haven’t seen my husband in 5 weeks, his parents come to the car to get our daughter when I drop her off for visits. My husband is also continuing in the affair although I suspect he is lying to his parents about it.
I am so hurt, and feel there is no hope for our marriage. I am shocked by the betrayal, not just of my husband, but also of my in laws.
Please pray for me!
-SoHurt
Dear SoHurt,
My heart and prayers go out to you! This is a truly awful situation that seems to be a culmination of some awful years.
Let’s dig into your letter:
Summarizing the first couple of paragraphs, you begin by sharing how your husband is a long-standing porn addict who has engaged in a pattern of doubling down on this sin as opposed to repenting when confronted.
That is what continuing in the sin and becoming angry when confronted means. In other words, he is not upset about hurting his wife by engaging in porn use but rather is upset his wife bothers him for engaging in such sinful sexual activity.
This is far from godly.
Next, you write:
As the years went by he increasingly demanded demeaning sexual acts from me, I put on over 70 pounds and didn’t really understand why. About 5 months ago he started telling me he was no longer attracted to me….Although I didn’t let on to him, I felt like I had just won the lottery. Hopefully that meant he wouldn’t want to touch me as much anymore, our love making had become so cruel and I felt so dirty with the filthy acts he demanded.
To begin, I want to affirm that you have the right before God to refuse to do such demeaning acts. Just because you are married does not give your spouse the right to make you defile your conscience as that is what such acts are–i.e. a defilement of what your conscience is saying is acceptable marital behavior (e.g. I Corinthians 8:7).
Pure speculation here, but I wonder if your body put on the weight in order to protect you from this demeaning and cruel treatment of your husband. Clearly, he has no problem saying and doing mean things.
5 weeks ago I discovered that he is having an affair. He was furious with me for discovering it and put the blame on me for not working enough hours, doing enough housework or giving him enough sex.
That is awful. Yet I am not completely shocked as cheaters tend to use anger to keep us away form the truth of their treachery. Who knows how long he had actually been engaging in infidelity besides porn use?
(I hope you have gone to the doctor to make sure he hasn’t passed on a STD to you from his extramarital activity.)
His response to you is classical blameshifting. He is trying to offload the blame for his own sinful choices and actions onto you.
Do NOT accept the blame!
The Bible is clear that we alone are responsible for our sins and actions (see Mark 7:21-23, 2 Corinthians 5:10, etc). Even if it is true that you were a miserable wife, that still did not excuse or cause your husband to sin.
Sin flows out of the sinner’s own heart, not marital circumstances!
The author of James is crystal clear where the sin originates: the sinner’s own heart–see James 1:14-15. Nowhere in his explanation of the origin of sin does he implicate a spouse or other person than the sinner.
Whenever your husband or his parents tell you otherwise, they are NOT giving you a biblical, godly perspective on your situation.
God does not blame you for your husband’s sins. And he will have to answer to Christ for them one day (see 2 Corinthians 5:10).
It has been 5 weeks, my husband refuses to go to counseling with me, and his parents (confessing christians) continue to house him and enable him. I haven’t seen my husband in 5 weeks, his parents come to the car to get our daughter when I drop her off for visits. My husband is also continuing in the affair although I suspect he is lying to his parents about it.
SoHurt, you have two choices here as I see it:
1) Remain passive in your marriage signaling a willingness to continue accepting your husband’s adulterous contempt for you and God…
OR
2) Take charge and–quietly–line up your ducks to divorce your unrepentant cheater.
Personally, I would encourage option #2 for you considering your circumstances. Your marriage has no hope as long as your husband has clearly and consistently chosen infidelity over godliness.
To be clear:
God does not expect you to tolerate and remain in such abusiveness (see Jeremiah 3:8, Matthew 1:19, Matthew 5:32, etc).
I am shocked by the betrayal, not just of my husband, but also of my in laws.
It is completely normal and understandable that you are in a place of shock. Your discovery of infidelity is still fresh. Five weeks is not that long ago.
The sad thing about infidelity and human biology is that even “Christians” will side with their blood over godliness. It is not uncommon.
However, it is perfectly okay to feel frustrated over the injustice of it all. It is wrong. Yet that is one of the many common injustices faithful spouses experience in dealing with infidelity.
Trust me when I say that you are not alone in feeling betrayed both by a spouse and in-laws that you thought you could trust to do the godly thing. It truly is heart-breaking and frustrating.
My concluding thoughts is to focus upon what you control in this situation. You do not control how your husband will respond or how his parents will either.
However, you DO control whether or not you will accept your husband’s ongoing infidelity and the blame for his sins!
I hope you say, “NO!” to both.
-Pastor David
