Dear Divorce Minister,
So I remarried and my circumstances aren’t clear. If I think I’ve sinned in doing so, is there forgiveness without divorcing again? I’m curious your toughts [sic].
-Sean
Dear Sean,
Since I do not know the circumstances surrounding the question, I am going to have to make some assumptions and give you my pastoral counsel based on those assumptions.
In cases where divorce happened while not a Christian and a conversion happened post remarriage, I think the Bible is clear. Stay in the second marriage. God forgives us for our past as we are new creations as Believers (see 2 Corinthians 2:17).
That said, I still think a new Believer is obligated to make amends for the wrongful ending of their first marriage as far as is possible and safe for the wronged party. Zacchaeus models this amends making in the New Testament (see Luke 19:8).
What does making amends to a wronged ex-spouse look like?
Here are a few examples:
I think it begins with “opening the books” for the wronged party and offering to answer any questions she might have about the ending of the marriage. This is about righting the wrong of stolen intimacy and helping her know the truth of what happened as opposed to leaving her guessing.
If you risked her health by sleeping with her and others, it means getting tested for STDs and telling her your results. Amends looks like paying back even more than you took in spending on the affair partner. That is what Zacchaeus modeled in the Bible.
What if you married your affair partner and you professed being a Christian throughout?
This is a much more difficult situation.
While the state recognizes this marriage as valid, I am not sure from my reading of Scripture whether God does (see Malachi 2). Such a “marriage” under that understanding would be a case of unrepentant, continual adultery then.
God requires repentance for forgiveness (see Luke 17:3). So, I would think divorce might be necessary if you discern this marriage is not recognized by God as valid. Continuing in an adulterous situation is not repentance.
The status of your subsequent marriage before God is something you need to discern for yourself with Holy Spirit and Scripture. You alone will answer for this (see 2 Corinthians 5:10); so, it is important you have peace with your own conclusion before God.
Besides, a marriage started from an affair is a marriage built upon a foundation of lies and deception. This is not a firm foundation, and certainly, it is not one that God is likely to bless. His followers are called to walk in the light and truth, not darkness (see John 3:19-21).
That said, I know God is very gracious and forgiving.
I generally do not think we right situations by wronging another party–i.e. by breaking vows made to them. Such is the argument in favor of staying married. This understanding is why I find this situation difficult.
If you are feeling called by God to keep your vows to your now wife, then I think you REALLY need to focus on making amends to your wronged ex-spouse (and your kids, if applicable) as a way of demonstrating true repentance. Whatever you decide, I do not see God extending forgiveness to you without repentance.
