Dear Divorce Minister,
Thank you for all you do on behalf of faithful spouses.
My question is, “Is long term pornography use adultery and valid grounds for divorce?”
My husband has an at least 20 year addiction to pornography which he did not disclose prior to marriage. He has had counselling on multiple occasions and I thought we had a period of long term sobriety but that turned out to be untrue.
He has not had a physical affair (confirmed by polygraph) but has lied to me many times and brought it into my home and around my children.
He has been given clear boundaries, violated them and received the consequences. I am working on new boundaries now.
So far the consequences have included losing his job.
Please can you tell me if this is adultery and grounds for divorce from a Biblical perspective.
Thank you,
Exhausted and Confused
Dear Exhausted and Confused (EAC),
This is a tough one. It falls into a grey area in Scripture as you probably already know.
Some would make an argument such use of porn falls within Jesus’ exception in Matthew 19:9 for “porneia” as such is the root word for pornography. It is certainly a form of sexual sin. Plus, the long-term use of pornography clearly is a matter of infidelity of the heart.
That said, I think it is best to seek Holy Spirit over this matter:
Do you have peace about moving forward with divorce? If not, then I would listen to that. If so, then I would listen to that as well.
When the Bible is unclear as I believe it is here, I want to be clear about that. I do not want to give you advice that would lead to you violating your own conscience on the matter.
In sum, a case can be made that long-term porn use qualifies as biblical grounds for divorce as it is certainly qualifies as sexual sin (“porneia”). However, it is up to you to decide whether or not that case is convincing enough to move forward with divorce.
Hope that helps some. I trust Holy Spirit will lead you in the path of life whichever that path might be.
In Christ,
DM
EAC,
I’m so sorry that your husband is not an honorable man, nor does it appear that he wants to give up his vices, even when it impacts you and the children so horribly. It sounds like he only wants to smooth things over with lies and convince you to remain in the marriage despite his hidden porn activities.
As you consider what to do going forward, remember you don’t have to make a decision immediately, but can mull things over, pray, research, discreetly reach out to those you trust (as you have done here) and eventually you will find peace in your heart about what to do. God does not want you and your children to live a life constantly exposed to evil, from their own father no less. Ask me how I know.
Besides the long-term and sickening porn habit, his other sins you mention are big issues and worthy of considering divorce… the constant lying and deception is a huge marital problem. If he is capable of habitual lying throughout your marriage about porn use, he is very likely using deception in other areas too. A marriage cannot function when one spouse is an accomplished liar, and only looking out for their own pleasures at the expense of the other spouse and family.
See Divorce Minister’s post about that. http://www.divorceminister.com/lie-to-liar/
Also, he is putting your children at risk. He may expose them to possibly seeing horrid, degrading images, he dishonors and manipulates their mother, and doesn’t mind risking/losing his job that supports his family. He also squanders marital funds on pornography, funds that should be used to benefit his family (food, clothing, housing, education, etc.).
No wonder you are exhausted… this marriage is requiring you to keep dealing with the fallout of his ongoing serious sins, while he does nothing to curb them. I want to give a caution to you if you seek counsel or advice from your church, it is very common that pastors have the attitude that marriages must be “saved” at all costs (Divorce Minister doesn’t advocate this view), even if it requires one spouse to live in agony due to the other’s bad behavior. Pastors often are satisfied with the verbal, fake “repentance” from the harmful spouse, and will insist the harmed spouse stay and make it work. So just be careful who you trust. I’m praying for you and your children. God bless.