Hi,

I’m trying to heal from spiritual abuse, and I came across your blog. I have a few questions about things I’m wondering about. If you have time to answer them, it would be helpful to me.

Firstly, I’m so sorry for what you went through at Mars Hill, with your in-laws and ex-wife. The humiliation and bullying extended to all — it’s good to hear men proclaim the truth about what happened and is no doubt still happening in AZ. Your story was nauseating. It’s hard to stomach that he’s still doing his thing somewhere else. I have to leave it at Jesus’ feet, and trust that he sees all and neglects nothing.

When you say that your father-in-law came up with a plan to address your “failure” to support your wife, what does this mean? He thought you weren’t trying hard enough to find a job, and the plan consisted of reporting to someone how many applications/hours you spent looking for work? “Accountability” for every hour of your day?

How did you cope with your ex and in-laws justifying her infidelity, and blaming you? Did you find a church/pastor that could walk you through the truth in the face of their abuse? After Mars Hill crumbled, did you approach them through a mediator to see if they were repentant for what they had done?

I live in a place with no Christian counselors, and tentative attempts to receive secular help for the PTS caused by the abuse here have resulted in the predictable response of, “Spiritual abuse? What do you expect, setting foot in a church? Trump, evangelicals, bla bla bla…” The churches are no help, either. I’ve learned the hard way that every single church here has a misogynistic bent. I don’t ask about pastors’ salary structures or accountability to elders, although those things are in the forefront of the minds of people who’ve dealt with Mars Hill type abuse. All I have to do is ask them (in a non “leading question” kind of way) if they teach people that God orchestrates rape to bring about “teachable moments.” If they mumble and hedge but eventually come out with some version, of “Yes, but it’s all very mysterious,” then I know that they struggle to believe what the Bible says about evil and are more comfortable confusing the difference between “permit/allow” and “design” when it comes to the way they see God’s sovereignty. I have learned the hard way that such a view about rape is a good indicator that a pastor is comfortable throwing a woman under the bus in the name of God in manifold ways, and they don’t really know or embrace the reality of God’s goodness, impeccable fatherhood, and true masculinity.

Thanks…

Healing Needed

Dear Healing Needed,

Much of the problems coming from Mars Hill Church and Pastor Mark Driscoll’s teaching are the result of rigid beliefs and using a subculture’s view of gender roles as biblical norms. The particular gender training in the MHC world generally slated women as primarily baby-producing, homemakers and men as providers. 

I ran foul of the later role–the man as provider–as I struggled to enter a troubled economy as a full-time employed worker in my field. This wasn’t isolated to myself as economists recognize millennials of my age bracket are still struggling to make up lost wages due to a weak economy once we exited college.

A rigid theology has no ability to handle such larger context issues. It judges and condemns. That is how rigid rules work.

You wrote,

When you say that your father-in-law came up with a plan to address your “failure” to support your wife, what does this mean? He thought you weren’t trying hard enough to find a job, and the plan consisted of reporting to someone how many applications/hours you spent looking for work? “Accountability” for every hour of your day?

My father-in-law took the training he got from MHC and weaponized it to address my “faults” as he saw them. The church leadership would write up plans for people they decided were in sin and needed correction. Completing the plan were requirements for remaining in good graces with the church.

Without getting into the weeds, my ex-FIL’s falsehood-riddled document was designed to pass judgment upon me. I wouldn’t even call it constructive in the sense of giving options for improvement as I recall. It was simply a verdict of condemnation in the end. The document was demonic–I am utterly convinced.

You wrote,

How did you cope with your ex and in-laws justifying her infidelity, and blaming you?

My in-laws exited the picture before I discovered the Other Man. This “plan” from my ex-father-in-law was delivered prior to that discovery (even though, the Other Man was in the picture already).

I had no direct contact with my ex-in-laws after I had figured out my (now) ex-wife was sleeping with another man (and had been in relationship with him for months prior to my discovery). Those ex-in-laws felt free to tear into me, but they lacked the moral fiber to apologize after the fact of discovering their daughter was a manipulating adulteress.

Like Mark Driscoll, they fell silent when it came time for them to own their own sins in the matter. Now, they are God’s problem as I have forgiven them in that sense.

They both have to live with the knowledge of how their interference helped to destroy their daughter’s marriage. I pity them today.

You wrote,

Did you find a church/pastor that could walk you through the truth in the face of their abuse?

I found some spiritual, prophetic counselors that changed my life for the better. Their ministry was amazing. Plus, they gave me a book, Rejection Exposed, that I promote on this website that help tremendously in my healing journey.

The healing really came through a practice of declarations of God’s truths through repeated prayer. Rejection Exposed has a chapter of prayers based on Bible verse that helped me deal with specific wounds and lies.

You wrote,

After Mars Hill crumbled, did you approach them through a mediator to see if they were repentant for what they had done?

I was never a member of MHC. This is the sad part of the story. The church impacted others far outside their walls in spiritually negative ways.

My ex-in-laws were members and the bullying behavior from that church seeped into my life through them. So, a mediator really isn’t someone I see myself needing in this matter. I have made my peace knowing God sees and will handle the matter in His way.

You wrote,

I live in a place with no Christian counselors, and tentative attempts to receive secular help for the PTS caused by the abuse here have resulted in the predictable response of, “Spiritual abuse? What do you expect, setting foot in a church? Trump, evangelicals, bla bla bla…” The churches are no help, either. I’ve learned the hard way that every single church here has a misogynistic bent.

Honestly, I find secular support often is better than “Christian” support in these matters. That said, we have to be willing to advocate for ourselves when dealing with the anti-religious bias some therapists hold.

Not every church is spiritually abusive. 

If a therapist does not agree with this statement, then they are not going to be a good therapist to help heal from such abuse.

What if the shoe was on the other foot as it comes to therapists? My ex-wife was and is a professional therapist. Do I think all therapists are like her? No. Swearing off all churches is like swearing off all therapists because of one or two REALLY bad experiences with one.

Regardless, you live in the world with the internet and phones. Virtual therapy is an option, too. My point is that options are open beyond being limited to the geographic “talent” pool in your area, thankfully.

That last point is obvious since you found this blog. Thirty years ago, this sort of exchange was not possible. Why not harness the internet for the good of finding a supportive online community or counselor/pastor?

Well, I hope some of this is helpful for you, Healing Needed. God has a way of sending people to us as long as we are open to Him. Often, it is usually not how WE think it “should” happen or look like.

But my experience that God does “send His ravens!”

-Pastor David (AKA Divorce Minister)