Dear Divorce Minister,

First, thank you for the work you do and insight you provide.

I do believe that God is for marriage restoration. However, not all marriages can be saved, and that is because not everyone will repent. Just like salvation is for everyone, but not everyone will accept. I am glad that your blog adds a biblical based conversation of marriage, reconciliation and divorce from the perspective of someone who has actually lived through it, and not just based on theories and hearsay.

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After reading one of your blog posts on the topic of separation, I wanted to ask your perspective:

Is it okay to ask your spouse to leave the home (separate) if they are currently having an affair and no longer want to be married?

In the case of a spouse that is presently committing adultery, would separation be the “best” option in that situation or does that still make divorce/the single life easier?

After 4 months of being separated, my spouse needed to move back home. He said he still wanted to divorce, and during the separation became involved with someone. He told me it was over, so I let him come back. I soon found out he was still with OW, but I let him continue to live with me for two months, (separate rooms). I didn’t want to divorce and prayed things would change.

After those two months, I couldn’t take him being out with her and acting like we were not married (in his mind we were not). I told him that as long as he was involved with her, he couldn’t live with me. Shortly after me telling him this he served me divorce papers. Also, he was not working at the time and I was the only one paying bills, etc. But since he had no place to go, he wanted to continue living at home. I told him, I couldn’t change his choices, but I couldn’t live like this any longer.

Should I not have done this since technically we are still married? Should I just have continued with God’s grace, until the divorce was finalized? Did I make it “easier” for him to enjoy his freedom (because he gets to see OW without me being around/asking questions, etc)?

Sincerely,

VW

Dear VW,

I only control myself. This is probably one of the hardest lessons to learn in life–especially when we want loved ones, like a spouse, to act in a certain way.

How this applies to your situation is that you do not control whether or not your spouse continued in adultery or not. His choices and actions are his alone to own, and he will have answer for them to Jesus one day per 2 Corinthians 5:10.

With that in mind, let’s tackle your questions starting with the first:

Is it okay to ask your spouse to leave the home (separate) if they are currently having an affair and no longer want to be married?

Yes.

I see no problem whatsoever in making this ask. It is about protecting your well-being. This is a healthy boundary.

If he believes and acts like he is no longer married, then I see no reason he ought to then get the benefits of said marriage he rejects. Ultimately, it is up to him to decide what to do with your ask. Once again, his choice from there is upon him.

Your second question:

In the case of a spouse that is presently committing adultery, would separation be the “best” option in that situation or does that still make divorce/the single life easier?

No.

I would say divorce would be. However, separation might be the best first step towards this outcome.

God allows divorce in these situations as a mercy (see Matthew 19:9). I do not recommend staying in abusive relationships.

A cheater refusing to stop cheating as well as expecting to continue to use you (like take advantage of your finances and home) is abusive!

 Would a loving and godly person ever council a rape victim to continue to live with their rapist while he refuses to repent and stop the acts of rape? Of course, not.

I don’t see it all that different here. Adultery is soul rape. It is traumatizing on a spiritual and emotional level. I don’t recommend staying around for more abuse in those situations.

Get out!

Find a good divorce attorney and set yourself free from the abusive cheater.

When I see God giving us permission to divorce an adulterous spouse (see Jeremiah 3:8, Mt 19:9, etc), I do not see qualifiers. God does not give permission for His followers to sin. So, I see no issue for you to separate and divorce your cheating spouse–especially in this case of flagrant lack of repentance.

Finally, you share how you took him back, and he continued cheating. You then generously confronted him with a choice between staying with you or continuing in his affair. He chose sin.

You then ask:

Should I not have done this since technically we are still married?

Telling him to either honor the marriage or leave is an honorable and wise boundary to hold. God expected him to honor his marriage vows to you that included “forsaking all others” (see Hebrews 13:4). 

His decision to choose sin over honoring his marriage vows to you is on him 100%!

Should I just have continued with God’s grace, until the divorce was finalized?

I cannot speak for what Holy Spirit was telling you to do in this situation. That said, I doubt God–who loves you more than a good mother loves her own child–would expect that child to stay in such an extremely abusive situation. 

In other words, God as I know Him would not expect you to stay in this situation in the name of “grace.” Doesn’t sound like love or grace for you.

Did I make it “easier” for him to enjoy his freedom (because he gets to see OW without me being around/asking questions, etc)?

The answer to this question really is immaterial. You do not have the power to stop him from cheating. So, whether or not it was easier to cheat really does not matter. His choices and sinful actions are fully on him (2 Corinthians 5:10).

The reality is that he seemed quite capable of cheating with you there. Right? Don’t allow Satan condemn you for your then spouse’s sinful choices.

I hope some of this helps. My encouragement to you is that you have done well to set the boundary that you did. I don’t see Jesus condemning you for that at all.

Blessings,

DM