They demonstrate that God’s law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right.
-Romans 2:15, NLT
Sometimes cheaters become crueler to their spouses when they are actively engaged in infidelity.
They cheat and attend couples counseling where they tell the counselor or pastor about how awful the faithful spouse is while failing to mention their own infidelity.
If a faithful spouse gets “uppity” and demands something so “unreasonable” as ending the affair, the cheater attacks and makes counter demands as if they are entitled to more from the faithful spouse.
In part, I think cheaters are cruel because the moral law is written on their hearts as Paul says in Romans 2:15. Cheaters cannot escape their own consciences that condemn their behavior. But they will sure try!
So, cheaters off-load their pain over their morally bankrupt behavior upon the victim of their sins: the faithful spouse!
-Just because a cheater is acting cruel does not mean you are wrong to ask for something like the ending of an affair.
-Just because a cheater blames you does not mean you have to accept their blame for their own sinful behavior.
And just because a cheater is upset does not mean you did something wrong but rather it might be the tell-tale sign that they are doing something wrong!
This was absolutely true for me. Unfortunately I did not recognize his new cruelty – and that word still doesn’t even touch upon how vicious he became – as a sign of his private sin. Instead, I internalized it as a sign that there was suddenly something profoundly wrong with me that I needed to fix in order to please him again. Ironically that only caused him to double down on the cruelty because then he could mock my “pathetic” efforts to his affair partner…who I didn’t even know existed. So anyway, I sincerely hope this post reaches other innocent spouses who are going through this and helps them to see what is REALLY going on. Thank you, DM.
My former wife would berate me at the dinner table. Ticky tacky faults just needed to be aired in front of the kids.
My oldest son, 14 years old wrote her a letter and said he was losing respect for her because of her criticism of his Dad. When she read it she wanted ME to punish him for writing it. I said no, because it is all true and he was brave to confront her.
Later I of course learned that she had an ongoing affair and this was all about transferring her shame and guilt onto me. Her nastyness just escalated until I had to get a restraining order to keep her out of the house.
We divorced and I still keep this phone baloney at arm’s length after 15 years.