“If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive.”
-Luke 17:3b, NLT
Rebuke, repentance, THEN AND ONLY THEN, forgiveness is to be offered.
This is the order Jesus Himself gave us for godly forgiveness. However, this is usually NOT the order presented to faithful spouses or Christians in other traumatic situations.
They are just to “forgive” the perpetrator with no reference to a rebuke or the offender’s repentance.
That is NOT biblical forgiveness!
Recently, I encountered a Christian psychologist who met with me after some difficult news had just been delivered. He immediately went to a discussion of “forgiveness,” and the news wasn’t even an hour old!
I was still in shock.
I had to explain to him that a discussion about forgiveness was premature at this moment.
Grief always needs to precede forgiveness as we have to see our losses and acknowledge the injustices before we can forgive them.
This leads me to a frustration I have with some Christian mental health providers:
I find it funny that pastors and chaplains are supposed to refer out to mental health providers for difficult mental health situations. However, like this particular psychologist, some mental health providers feel entitled to counsel on a matter that is truly theological in its essence–namely, forgiveness.
While forgiveness certainly has a mental health impact, it is a deeply theological matter. It raises questions about sins committed by us and against us. Often times, God is invoked in the discussion as well.
Forgiveness as a topic is not primarily a mental health topic; rather, it is a theological one.
Which professional is equipped then for such discussions? Answer: Pastors and other clergy members.
Remember:
Psychologists do not go to school to learn theology. Pastors do.
Now, I understand some pastors have a faulty understanding of forgiveness as well. Plenty of us, faithful spouses, have encountered those types. And some psychologists have done duel training in both psychology and seminary.
However, my point is the professions are different, and the proper setting for a forgiveness discussion is in the office of a clergy member.
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* A version of this post ran previously.
I totally agree !
I found this excerpt from AffairRecovery.com:
Why Expert Doesn’t Always Mean Expert
When it comes to the services offered by many general marriage and family therapists, there seems to be little positive momentum gained. I think people genuinely mean well, but there’s little to no training offered by graduate schools on the topic of infidelity. Many profess to be experts in treating infidelity when they’ve really only treated a few cases. At Affair Recovery, we hear stories about this nearly every day.
The fact of the matter is infidelity is a complex beast. Every situation is uniquely different. Our Affair Analyzer alone has more than 850 different outcomes for where people can land after infidelity. Sure, there are trends and there are markers associated with the actions of both wayward and betrayed mates; however, your situation is going to be one of a kind in how it unfolds in your individual world. It will require an expert approach, not one that’s been honed over a few years or a handful of cases.
Where Infidelity Counseling Can Fall Short
Peggy Vaughan, who passed away in 2012, conducted research on infidelity and affairs back when little was known on the subjects. For her original research “Help for Therapists (and Their Clients) in Dealing with Affairs,” she surveyed 1,083 people whose spouses had affairs. Vaughan asked the following questions in her research:
‘Was the counselor helpful?’
57% said “no, mostly frustrating.”
23% said “yes, but not as much as I’d like.”
20% said “yes, very helpful.”
‘Did the counselor focus directly on the issue of affairs?’
59% said “no, mainly focused on general marital problems.”
28% said “yes, but not as strongly or clearly as I’d like.”
13% said “yes, very directly dealt with this issue.”
Vaughan goes on to explain that therapists focusing mainly on general problems “appears to be one of the specific reasons for the ‘mostly frustrating’ experiences with counseling.” She continues:
“Focusing on the marriage (and specifically whatever problems exist in the marriage) inadvertently reinforces the idea that the affair was caused by the marital problems or by a failure to ‘meet your partner’s needs.’ Suggesting that an affair is due to ‘unmet needs’ implies that the hurt partner is to ‘blame’ when their spouse has an affair — and is responsible for keeping it from happening again.”
This cause-and-effect approach to infidelity counseling isn’t just frustrating, but it’s also just plain wrong in my opinion.
Why a Cause-and-Effect Approach Is Problematic
At Affair Recovery, we believe that the hurt spouse isn’t responsible for choices made by the wayward spouse. We also believe the wayward spouse isn’t responsible for choices made by the hurt spouse. We are only responsible for ourselves and our reactions. When therapists blame the marriage or the hurt mate for the affair, they’re likely inexperienced in treating infidelity. Again, they might mean well, but they won’t be able to help you truly heal unless they’re experts on the complexities of betrayal.