The Other Man was discovered.

I wrote a letter to my (then) wife letting her know I would not tolerate her cheating anymore.

She could either choose to work to prove to me that her cheating days were over, or she could expect me to terminate my relationship–friendship included–with her permanently. Obviously, she chose the later.

I then moved half way across the country–literally–and started my new job. Her choice did not exactly shock me. But it was still painful as I still wanted our marriage to survive her adultery.

About a full month after her decision to reject repentance–as I saw it–she contacted me. It was my birthday weekend. 

I re-engaged. That was a mistake. Next ensued another roughly two more months of false hope in reconciliation being stoked while she continued to deny she had committed adultery.

The reason I tell this story is twofold:

1. We all make mistakes doing things we know will really just result in more misery.

I did in this instance. But I was doing my best. My hope for you is if you find yourself doing a similar thing that you forgive yourself. It happens. Learn from it and move on.

2. Once you have communicated your expectations, stick to your guns.

That was the mistake I made. I wasn’t unclear with her. She wasn’t unclear about which option she was choosing. It is my fault that I did not hold her to that choice and leave her to feel the consequences she chose with them.

Please learn from my mistakes! It will save you considerable suffering and grief. 

*I realize some do not have a choice but to communicate with their cheaters because of the kids. However, that does not mean you have to engage them in regards to your marriage to him/her. If they are unwilling to repent, they have lost the privilege to talk about the marriage that they murdered, IMO.

 

_______

+A version of this post ran previously.