When I started dating for the second time, I had a few things I promised myself to do and some things I learned along the way (to Mrs. DM):
- I did not start dating until after I was officially divorced. My stance is that I needed to see the divorce to go through to be available.
This is my personal opinion. If you are legally married, you are married. To me, it was an integrity stance. I would keep my word to the bitter end.
Cheaters often use the excuse of being “separated” to date others. I didn’t want to even be close to doing a similar thing. (Related: I would not date someone who I knew was separated but still married.)
Plus, there is plenty of time to date once the divorce goes through. I used the time to work on myself.
2. I knew I was ready to date when I felt like I liked myself and was at peace keeping my own company.
I knew this was important to protect myself from settling. If I did not have this self-esteem rebuilt, I would have been vulnerable to entering into another unhealthy relationship.
Another way to put this was that I was able to walk away from relationships because I knew I would be fine on my own. This is an important element to have as it means you can have real deal breakers, which is necessary for finding a good relationship.
3. I decided to use an online dating service that did personality tests and matched people based on such things.
Since I picked poorly last time in person, I wanted additional “help” this time. This worked well for me as that is how I found Mrs. DM 😉
4. I learned to put my divorce status on my profile after some painful initial conversations.
When I started dating again, I was about 30 years old and was dating a pool of people who had never been married. Some had issues with dating a divorced person. So, I learned the hard way that some wouldn’t consider dating me once they learned I was divorced.
To save myself the pain of rejection and save myself time, I put my divorce status on the profile. That was one learning curve matter that took me some time as it felt like a red letter of shame.
To those who feel similarly, do not be afraid to show up as who you are. It is best–even in dating–to be upfront in my opinion. I would have saved myself some significant grief if I had started this way.
Dating another time is scary and exciting at the same time.
I would recommend looking to have fun. Show up. Be yourself.
You don’t need to date again or remarry, but I suspect many here will do just that, and I hope these pointers will help.
Years ago, the advice given me by my then therapist was ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME, and if a relationship ended, to wait until I have processed the one that ended before getting into another one.
Since DDay, the advice I was taught in current therapy was the same, with the added clauses of 1) do not date until you are officially divorced at the earliest, 2) do not introduce anyone to your children until a year after that, at the earliest. I was told that hardly anyone ever does that.
I have done it. I am super clear I am I in still the healing and getting solid on my own stage. I have a child whose mental health is imperative to consider. Our life is a jigsaw puzzle on the floor after the table was upended, and it makes sense to me to wait until I put it back together before dating. The more healed and whole and healthy I am, the better I will choose. The worst place to act from a mindset of scarcity and fear and deprivation is when choosing an intimate partner. IMHO.
I truly appreciate your blog, Divorce Minister.